My Top Ten: Background Movies

So I’m hungover this morning, and the reasons why are really quite irrelevant at this point, as it’s nearly three in the afternoon and I’m back into my pajamas for the second time today. In my drug-addled lethargy, I opened my laptop to try to get some work done, and decided to put a movie on in “the background.” Most people I know do this fairly regularly. For some reason it makes you feel like less of an oxygen-waster to have DVD plugged in rather than just turning on the television. It’s nice. It really helps me balance my day. It’s a distraction from whatever tedium you’re trying to work through. You can tell yourself: “I’m going to plug in Braveheart and work/study/clean throughout the whole thing.” Bam. Two VHS cassette tapes later and you’ve spent a good three hours getting shit done. So what characterizes a good background film?

You need a film that you can not pay attention to for a good ten, fifteen minutes at a time, and then tune into again and know exactly what’s what and who’s who and why the hell they’re doing whatever they’re doing. This familiarity is essential: whether it be because you’ve seen the film a million times; it’s full of familiar tropes and cliches and conventions; or, it’s so slow-paced that a single event takes a good ten, fifteen minutes to occur. So, these are my top ten background films… please tell me yours in the comments!

10. Once Upon a Time in the West

You can actually feel yourself aging during this scene.

Sergio Leone’s pinnacle western pits black hat Henry Fonda against white hat Charles Bronson. While to call this a simple film does not do it justice, but as long as you know Fonda = bad, Bronson = good, you could probably jump in at any point and enjoy the movie. While brimming deliciously with tension, the film still crawls at the pace of a geriatric snail, so the odds are, if you’ve seen it at least once before, you’re golden.

Best background for: Writing your master’s dissertation on the notions of traditionally masculine archetypes in Italian/American cinema.

Worst background for: Reading The Grapes of Wrath.

9. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

"Is it contagious?"

If following any kind of plot is important to you, it’s really quite essential that you be familiar with Hitchhiker’s – whether through the books, the radio shows, the original BBC sitcom, or at least own a towel – before you attempt to tune out for half of it. If plot doesn’t matter, that’s great because this is so ridiculous it’s actually kind of the point.

Best background for: Drawing that graphic novel about a OCD space alien stranded on a post-apocalyptic, disease-infested planet Earth you’ve been working on for the last seven years.

Worst background for: Studying for a physics exam.

8. The Goonies

What kind of filth do YOUR parents hide in their attic?

The Goonies succeeds as a great background movie because it is such a familiar story with such a simple structure. What plot points do you need to know? The kids are after treasure. Bad guys are after them. The fat kid is funny. Done.

Best background for: Making a scrapbook for an old childhood friend (aw).

Worst background for: Canvassing donations for the Special Olympics.

7. any Harry Potter movie

"Um, that wasn't where you were supposed to put the carrot on the snowman."

Again, even if you’re a newly arrived visitor to this planet, it’s pretty easy to get emotionally involved in each scene, because it’s pretty clear who Harry’s enemies are. Hint: if someone in one of these movies looks evil, they probably are.

Best background for: Playing some kind of RPG.

Worst background for: Writing next Sunday’s sermon.

6. Underworld Trilogy

I wonder if she has "Looks like Kate Beckinsale" on her resume.

Before we got the Stephanie Meyers’ Vampires vs Werewolf debacle, there was Underworld, which did the whole thing so much better. They’re not good movies per say, and the declining quality was sadly predictable, but they were fun and just oh-so-campy.

Best background for: Trolling Twilight message boards and giving your two cents on the bestiality vs necrophilia debate.

Worst background for: Actively contributing to Twilight message boards and lobbying hard for Team Jacob / Edward.

5. Stardust

"Dude, that guy is such a c- ... he's totally behind me isn't he?"

This hugely underrated fairy tale is so absurdly adorable that it might just be too distracting if you’re trying to get anything important done. The parade of great performances and famous faces keeps pulling your attention and the fantastical mise en scenes and endearing characters keep it. As a disclaimer, you do need to see it many times before you can start tuning things out.

Best background for: Sewing that Halloween costume that will, like, totally win you the Prettiest-Princess-at-the-Ball prize.

Worst background for: Blogging about how Robert DeNiro is the biggest, baddest mofo out there.

4. Some Like it Hot

I still think Tony Curtis is the prettiest.

A comedy of errors and mistaken identities to do Shakespeare proud, Some Like it Hot is arguably one of the best comedies ever made, plus it has Marilyn Monroe. It’s a pretty easy premise. Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis are disguising themselves as women to stay on the run from some Chicago gangsters, but then they meet Marilyn Monroe and both want to get in her pants. Who wouldn’t? Let the laughs ensue. Any moment that you might look up from your book will be a good one.

Best background for: Giving your sexuality a long, concentrated pondering.

Worst background for: Working on your comedic gender-bending screenplay. You will never beat this. Ever. And that realization will crush your soul.

3. Hot Fuzz

DO NOT WANT

Hot Fuzz is so extremely engrossing that, repeated viewings later, I am still enthralled and give it my full attention. There’s just so much delicious stuff there. But, on that same token, I could leave it playing on repeat and just get it. Where other films make good background flicks because they contain so many familiar conventions, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright’s film does that, just consciously.

Best background for: Practicing your deadly martial arts.

Worst background for: Measuring your penis.

2. Pride and Prejudice (or really anything Jane Austen)

"Fuck me, life is hard for the 19th century middle class."

There is really only one question at stake: Will she get the guy? And it’s Jane Austen, so you know she will, it’s just a matter of giggling incessantly and/or hiding your glee every time you see Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy on screen together.

Best background for: Catching up on your domestic responsibilities, such as ironing and embroidering cushions and shit.

Worst background for: Practicing that Sex Pistols cover with your band.

1. The Lord of the Rings

I haz a sad.

The best part of The Lord of the Rings as a background movie is, if you have the extended edition DVDs, it is perfectly customizable to however long you want to spend doing whatever it is you need to do. If you want to dedicate an entire Saturday plug in the whole trilogy. Just have a few hours, last disc of Return of the King. Easy. And it has everything that makes a great background film: familiar archetypes and story structures, extensively referenced in pop culture, long-drawn out scenes and storylines, and epic battle sequences for when you want to be distracted for ten or twenty minutes. Perfect.

Best background for: Almost anything.

Worst background for: Maintaining consciousness after that concussion.

My Top Ten: Best Films of the Decade

There’s been a lot of these lists floating around lately, obviously due to the impending end of the so-called Noughties. (Personally, I much more interested to see if that name sticks.) For something so recent, everyone’s list is bound to be different. We don’t have the benefit of time depth to lend an objective weight to the proceedings. We don’t have the hindsight of sixty years to realize how influential something like Citizen Kane became. We can’t know what films will stand the proverbial test of time to become the eventual classics our grandchild will moan and fidget through. We can’t know what blockbusters and Oscar-winners will simply drop from remembrance all together (although my money’s on Transformers and Crash, respectively). It’s simply too soon. Thus, I’m hedging my bets.

10. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry, 2004)

Eternal Sunshine is a classic story wrapped up in a brand new box. It’s boy meets girl. Boy wants desperately to forget girl. Boy starts to. Boy panics. Boy meets girl again. But it’s with a beautiful sense of whimsy that only Michel Gondry can really bring to life (it was hard to keep The Science of Sleep off this list) that we are allowed to wallow in our own sense of nostalgia and regret, no matter how hurtful and wrong we might realize that is. Pain is beauty as we realize that we tend to forget our own history and thus condemn ourselves to making the same mistakes.

9. Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee, 2005)

Brokeback Mountain should have beat Crash in the Best Picture race. That’s my humble opinion. Further solidifying Ang Lee at the top spot on my personal list of directors who really understand character, Jack and Ennis’s love story is easily the most heart-wrenching of all time. To label it a ‘Romeo and Juliet” story doesn’t really do it justice. Romeo and Juliet were two teenagers, metynomic devices for the moral. As tragic as it is, it’s a happy ending because the Montagues and Capulets resolve their differences. Jack and Ennis are not Romeo and Juliet. They are real people, and that is what makes this film so tragic. There is no happy ending. There is only to pain and regret. Which, in and of itself, speaks volumes.

8. Shaun of the Dead (Edgar Wright, 2004)

I’m ignoring here those people in the back of the room shouting “It revived the zombie movie for the 21st century!” Yes, it did. I’m not arguing with you. I’m just saying that it will be remembered for its comedy, not its horror. In one fell swoop, it immediately rendered the flat, childish humour of the “Frat Pack” moot and outdated (to me at least, even though some people still find Ben Stiller funny). It was the signal of a changing tide. Though still full of bodily fluids, it was not a gross-out flick. Shaun of the Dead ushered in the new era of postmodern comedy: intelligent, self-reflexive, intertexual, of course, bloody hilarious.
 

7. The Lord of the Rings (Peter Jackson, 2001/2/3)

Peter Jackson’s epic is to the fantasy genre what coal dust was to the peppered moth. What else can be said about The Lord of the Rings? It’s something of a no-brainer isn’t it? I feel like I’ve written a lot already about how it’s more or less killed the fantasy genre… so thus, to borrow a Darwinian analogy, it simply forced it to evolve. Nothing can really compete with this tale of hobbits and elves and dwarves and orcs and men, and Middle Earth because it is at once something so fantastic and universal, but intensely personal. (Let’s just ignore the Deus Ex Army of the Dead, and the endless questions as to why the damned Eagles didn’t just save everyone to begin with, shall we?) It’s so sweeping and layered that you feel it kind of encompasses…. everything. Best Picture, indeed.

6. Le scaphandre et le papillon (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly) (Julian Schnabel, 2007)

It would seem strange to refer to this film with something as trite as “uplifting,” but alas, it kind of is… yet also, sincerely depressing. Very few works of art can tread that careful line, but Schnabel’s phenomenal achievement succeeds admirably.  Mathieu Almaric’s lead performance as Jean-Do, left completely paralyzed save for one eye which he used to blink his memoirs, is so extraordinary one might think it were the stuff of miracles. With ONE EYE he manages to convey the complexity of emotions one feels in reliving a life cut short.

5. Children of Men (Alfonso Cuaron, 2006)

Of all the dystopic futures that ever appeared in celluloid, from Metropolis onwards, Children of Men is one of the most hauntingly real. From Theo’s battered London 2012 t-shirt to the endless stream of shrapnel scarred buildings, the violence and chaos that masks the underlying prevalence of the absolute fear that motivates this society. From set pieces such as the cruelly empty primary school to Cuaron’s intense unending shot, we are dragged along for a ride that was oh-so-sadly overlooked during the 2006 awards season.

4. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson, 2007)

Anchored by brilliant performaces by Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano, There Will Be Blood stands apart from its time and place. It’s easy to see Daniel Plainview as the postmodern Charles Foster Kane; as both Anderson and Welles show us a man achieving all the highest material values of his society, while succumbing to the lowest human weaknesses. It is simultaneously the story of one man’s ascent and descent through entrepreneurial success and emotional failure, the story of the multi-faceted goods and evils of the American Dream, and especially the more intricate allegory for the western world’s ruthless exploitation of others in the name of oil. Adapted from portions of Upton Sinclair’s excellent novel Oil!, the new title says it all: “there will be blood…” not only in the course in this story, but for as long as the story of oil is told.

3. Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008)

Wall-E is easily the most explicit but sweet movie Pixar (and subsequently Disney) have ever produced. On one hand, it’s as if Al Gore met a magical wizard in a bar who gave him the power of a decent parable. On the other, it is the familiar, heart-breaking Pixar formula blown-up to a macro-scale. By Pixar Formula, I mean, of course, their uncanny ability to make us suddenly sit up screaming, crying for our lost childhoods.  With Wall-E, it’s that same formula, compounded with an intelligent trope of social commentary, as we weep for the childhood of Mother Earth, as well as a time when the projected future was something that would improve humanity, not allow it to become a blobby cesspool of laziness and isolation. It wouldn’t be ‘best of the noughties’ without an entry from Pixar.

 
2. Le Fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain (Amelie) (Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 2001)

I’ve told this to many people as I’ve violently trust this DVD into their hands: if you don’t love this film, you have no soul. Twee? Yes. Quirky? Check. Take from that what you will, but there is an intricate beauty in this story of a lonely woman (stunningly gorgeous pixie that she is) as she lives out her quest to make the world a better place. Jeunet’s masterpiece grabs your heart, and twists in the most simplest of places. As lovely as it is to look it, it is the loveliness of the characters, especially the man of glass and the grocer’s assistant, and the tiny details with which they are rendered that holds on to you. Think of them with me, the details: the cracking of a spoon on creme brulee, dipping your hands in to a bag of grain, skipping stones in the canal….

 
1. Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others) (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, 2006)

The first time I watched The Lives of Others, I was alone and popped in the DVD, not sure what to expect, even though I’d heard good things. When it ended, I immediately thought, ‘That may just be the best film I have ever seen. Ever.’ This is a redemption song just as much as it is a political thriller just as much as it is a commentary on a time and place just as much as it is a portrait of a relationship. I knew that this film would top this list, but sitting here, trying to write about it, I’m at a loss. It’s kind of like trying to write a logline for the Bible: “One man’s journey to salvation…” Hm, true perhaps, but doesn’t quite fit. Haunting, fascinating, gorgeous, thought-provoking… all true, all just small fragments of what could possibly be said about this masterpiece.



My Top Ten: Overused Songs in Film and Television

 

Pop music and films are like peanut butter and chocolate – well, maybe not quite. That implies some sort of undeniable cosmic, fated force drawing the two together like soulmates. Pop music and films are more like peanut butter and banana – still pretty damn good. There’s something about the perfect pop song synchronized beautifully with a key moment or epic montage that can prove iconic. Stealer’s Wheel will never sound the same after Quentin Tarantino got his hands on “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

"It's time you got over 'Taking Care of Business,' Hollywood."

But what about when several filmmakers grasp on to the same catchy ditty? What songs have been so overused that they border on cliché? Some of these songs are used so repeatedly that they become shorthand for what the scene in the movie is supposed to encapsulate. It’s a shame, as many of these songs were used brilliantly the first time, or even the first few times. After awhile, though, these songs are so overused that they are almost expected; they can’t even be used without irony. They are parodied so often that the parody itself becomes a cliché, and that parody gets parodied, and that parody gets parodied and so forth in an ever-rambling hall of postmodern mirrors. In effect, the song gets ruined. Or is in great risk of being ruined.

Thus, without further rambling, I present my list of 10 songs I think are overused in film and television. The artistic value of these songs is extinct, or else greatly endangered, which is regrettable as most of these are pretty kick-ass tunes:

10. The Clash – “London Calling”

As seen in: What a Girl Wants (2003), Die Another Day (2002), Billy Elliot (2000), Friends (1998).

How endangered? On par with the whales. Yeah, they’re endangered, but they’re still so awesome, majestic, and demanding of respect that it’s hard to imagine the world without this juggernaut of… er, awesomeness. How does the greatest punk band of the 70s become equated with the lowest point of Colin Firth’s career? Easy. When “London Calling” somehow because the go-to song for blasting over the establishing shots of London as the annoying American protagonist crosses the Pond. It quickly eclipsed “Rule Brittania” once that got the parody death-knell via Austin Powers, and a new generation of uninspired filmmakers grasped in vain for that hipster edge.

Honourable mention: “Should I Stay or Should I Go”

9. Jimi Hendrix – “All Along the Watchtower”

As seen in: Watchmen (2009), Battlestar Gallactica (2009), Withnail & I (1987), Rush (1991)

How endangered?  As long as filmmakers continue to use “All Along the Watchtower” respectfully (Does anything beat the way it was used in BSG? Although one would argue… no, I won’t go there.), this one should manage to pull through, kinda like a tiger. Hendix is equated with instant cool, and this tune is a smoky motif of the dark frontier of the counter-culture. Where is there to go next? The mystery is instantaneous but recognizable, and as long as this one manages to squeak through another ten years without gracing too many soundtracks, its beauty should remain intact.

Honourable mentions: “Foxy Lady,” “Voodoo Childe,” “Purple Haze”

8. Elton John – “Rocket Man” (suggested by Megan Maliszewski)

As seen in: Cold Case (2005), The Astronaut Farmer (2006), Life on Mars (2007), Nip/Tuck (2003), Six Feet Under (2003), K-PAX (2001), The Rock (1996)

How endangered? Like William Shatner’s career. Which isn’t that endangered, if we’re talking about pure survival. “Rocket Man” will be around awhile, but our respect for it? Hm, that’s another story. So, someone’s ascending into space/about to do something really epic or stupid - and you need a song to underscore it. You have two options, David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” or Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” Which one do you pick? “Space Oddity” is likely to scare the children, so here’s your answer, “Rocket Man.” Yes, O great song beloved of Shatner, “Rocket Man.”

Honourable mentions: “Benny and the Jets,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”

7.George Thorogood – ”Bad to the Bone” (suggested by Shannon Grant)

As seen in: Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008), Las Vegas (2005), Joe Dirt (2001), 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001), The Parent Trap (1998), Problem Child (1990) AND the sequel (1991)

How endangered? Like an elephant. Whenever you see a giant herd of elephants stampeding towards you, it’s natural to get a little afraid (I’m assuming, as I’ve never actually had the pleasure of seeing a giant herd of elephants stampeding towards me. One can imagine, though.). I suppose this fear is what the original intent of “Bad to the Bone” was, but its application towards everyone from children to Chihuahuas to David Spade really only dregs up some long-lost semblance of fear that isn’t really recognisable as anything remotely frightening. Just large and lazy.

Honourable mention: Nothing as soul-suckingly overused as “Bad to the Bone.”

6. Journey – “Don’t Stop Believin’” (suggested by Scott Baitz)

As seen in: Glee (2009), Bedtime Stories (2008), Scrubs (2003), The Comebacks (2007), The Sopranos (2007),  Monster (2003)

How endangered? A song as stereotypically uplifting as “Don’t Stop Believin’” will always have a soft, mushy, might-be-going-off part in people’s hearts. Like the Panda bear, its black and white view of sentimentality will keep you emotionally hooked, which is quite a feat for something that lacks any real depth. You can keep believing, but that doesn’t really mean anything. You’ll just feel like it does.

Honourable mention: “Open Arms”

5. Steppenwolf – “Born to be Wild” (suggested by Megan Maliszewski)

As seen in: Recess: School’s Out (2001), Connie and Carla (2004), My Name is Earl (2005), Herbie Fully Loaded (2005), Borat (2006), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Six Feet Under (1999), Home Improvement (1991), Knight Rider (1982), Easy Rider (1969)

How endangered? As the natural environment of the late-sixties rebel slowly erodes and is replaced with the more tepid waters of the snivelling pre-schooler (i.e. from Easy Rider to Rugrats in several easy steps), Steppenwolf’s classic will have lost all its bite and will only live on in captivity… like the polar bears. Cue all the “born to be mild” puns.

Honourable mention: “Magic Carpet Ride”

4. Alice Cooper – “School’s Out”

As seen in: Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth (2000), The Faculty (1998), Scream (1996), Reality Bites (1994), Dazed and Confused (1993), The Simpsons (the Kamp Krusty episode!) (1992), Rock ‘n’ Roll High School (1979)

How endangered? Every kid – at least the ones I knew – sang this song as they skipped home on the last day of school. Even at the age of occasionally wetting the bed we knew to sing it with a sense of irony. “School’s Out” is nothing but a stab in the back. School’s never out forever, children. Only for the summer (as Alice reminds up in his Staples commercial). Something in the bitter growl of Alice’s voice reminds us of this inevitability; that joy is fleeting. With the song’s inherent darkness, it became perfectly synched to wide shots of jaded youth everywhere. This “inherent darkness” of course inevitably meant cheesier and cheesier horror flicks before crashing and burning with pure spoof. “School’s Out” is a California Condor, an endangered vulture: full of ancient mystique but something of a ridiculous horror cliché.

Honourable mention: “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

3. 2 Unlimited – “Get Ready for This” (suggested by Andrew Brown)

As seen in: Bride Wars (2009), The Office (2006), How to Eat Fried Worms (2006), South Park (2004), Bedazzled (2000), Bring It On (2000), Flubber (1997), Friends (1996), Space Jam (1996)

How endangered? “Y’all ready for this?!” Not quite. Well, I was ready, but then I got bored and took a nap. This song doesn’t quite keep me awake and pumped up like it used to. Perhaps that’s due to it being used – repeatedly – as a the national anthem of Team Underdog as they prepare themselves for the almighty death-or-glory battle of a lifetime. We were interested, but now we don’t care because it’s just so passé. Kinda like the bison: a historical artefact that somehow is still kicking around like an unmatched sock in the laundry basket.(“What do you mean they’re not extinct yet?”)

Honourable mention: “Twilight Zone”

2. Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get It On” (suggested by Jagoda Janik)

As seen in: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999), High Fidelity (2000), Scrubs (2003), Something’s Gotta Give (2003), Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason (2004), Crank (2006), Blades of Glory (2007), and more.

How endangered? Like the Baiji dolphin, assumed extinct. Obscure reference, I know, but fitting. The baiji dolphin – a victim of industrialisation along the Yangtze River – has not been seen for years, much how any ounce of artistry this song once had has been quashed by the reams of lazy filmmakers who couldn’t find anything more original. Its use in Austin Powers is the perfect example of something so clichéd that all irony has been sapped out of it. It’s just… dead. Even if we’re reluctant to admit it.

Honourable mentions: “Sexual Healing,” “Heard it Through the Grapevine,” “What’s Going On?” and pretty much every song Marvin Gaye ever recorded.

1. Carl Douglas – “Kung Fu Fighting” (suggested by Megan Maliszewski)

As seen in: Kung Fu Panda (2008), Rush Hour 3 (2007), My Name is Earl (2006), Epic Movie (2007), I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988), That 70s Show (1999), Beverly Hills Ninja (1997), Bowfinger (1998), Daddy Day Care (2003)… so pretty much every comedy about ninjas ever… all three of them.

How endangered? Dinosaurs. And don’t give me this “dinosaurs are still around, they evolved into birds” crap (technically, you are correct, I know), but unless “Kung Fu Fighting” evolves into…. wow, there’s nothing I can think of that I can evolve into that will somehow be new and original. Nothing.

Honourable mentions: Did he have any other songs? That has to be the lowest blow of them all, your only hit is a now a cliché. I guess that must be expected when you write a catchy disco-type number about ninjas.

P.S. Assignment: Pirates are way cooler than ninjas and everyone knows it. Discuss.

Other Honourable Mentions: Green Day – Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) (suggested by Alana Peters), Queen (feat. David Bowie) – “Under Pressure” (suggested by Becca Strom), Simon and Garfunkel – “The Sound of Silence,” James Brown – “I Got You (I Feel Good),” The Specials – “Ghost Town”

Thank you great people of the interwebs for your suggestions! There are countless songs that have been overused by Hollywood. What are some more?

My Top Ten Twenty: Most Epic Moments In The Lord of the Rings

Ah, The Lord of the Rings. The epic to end all epics. Cinema experienced a resurgence in the epic genre during the nineties and early noughties, which really culminated in LOTR. Can you think of anything more epic or more recent? Nothing can top it.

In an attempt to get some work done yesterday, I put The Lord of the Rings on in the background. I got through the entire trilogy over the course of the day. I was over-caffeinated and far under the average levels of human normalcy. During nearly twelve long hours, as I got some writing done, and my roommate went about the course of her day – coming and going, leading a far healthier social life than me – we geeked out just a little bit too much. The progress tracked on Twitter, I’ve come up with the 20 Most Epic Moments in The Lord of the Rings. Without further ado:

20. Arwen’s Watery Horsies Take Out the Nazgul

I know, some people have their beefs with Arwen, but she is pretty kick-ass in the first film. This moment shows just how powerful she can be. It’s a perfect introduction to the elves in general: their calmness, their grace, and their quiet-yet-frightening magic.

19. Frodo Gets By With a Little Help From His Friend.

On the slopes of Mount Doom, as Frodo collapses, Sam epically bellows: “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!” as he hoists Frodo into the air, and I always expect the soundtrack to kick into Whitney Houston: “And I-I-I-I-I-I will always lo-ove yoooooou!”

18. Mourning Gandalf

After Gandalf is supposedly taken by shadow and flame, the most heartbreaking moment occurs on the rocky hills outside. The brightness of the snow-covered landscape stands in perfect contrast to the dark and fiery pits of Mordor, and we – along with the Fellowship – slowly let sink in what just happened.

17. Eomer Finds Eowyn on the Battlefield

One of the best additions in the extended edition: Eomer finds his sister, apparently killed in a battle he never knew she was a part of. Karl Urban rocks this scene, brining a tenderness and humanity to Eomer that was previously masked by his attempts at macho chauvinism.

16. Nature Kicks Ass: the Ents PWN Isengard

The Last March of the Ents truly epitomizes Tolkien’s theme of nature vs industry in the most base way. I also love the one little ent who runs into the water and puts out his flaming head (at 4.11 in this clip).

15. Bilbo Resists Temptation – Barely.

If you saw this in theatres back in the day, you must remember how many people screamed as the shadow passes over Bilbo when he’s tempted by the ring around Frodo’s neck. I remember seeing this for the second time with a friend and my sister (her first time). We grabbed her wrist at this moment and she literally screamed. It would have been hilarious if she was the only one, but she wasn’t! This moment really hammers home just how powerful the addiction of the ring is. (This video was the best I could find.)

14. Legolas: Two Orcs, One Arrow

Admittedly, I was a little put off by the way Legolas’s killing sprees had to one-up themselves each film. The two orcs, one arrow was clearly the best and most realistic one. Surfing down the stairs and taking down two mumakil is pretty damn close to jumping the shark. The moment I’m talking about occurs at 0.30 in the video.

13. From The Tallest Tower to the Depths of Hell

Best. Shot. Ever. From Galdalf trapped atop Orthanc, the tower at Isengard this brilliant shot swoops down the side of the tower right down into the depths of the cavernous pits where the Uruk-hai are being born.

12. Gandalf Battles His Foe Through Shadow and Flame

What an amazing way to start The Two Towers! Perhaps the most epic duel since Obi-Wan and Darth Vader. ‘Nuff said.

11. Wormtongue Realizes His Mistake… Whoopsie-doodles.

As Saruman addresses his legions of deformed soldiers, Wormtongue hovers in the background. That terrified look on his face shows his realization of how totally, utterly, majorly, epically he’s cocked-up.

10. Gollum Finally Gets the Ring Back… with a side order of Death.

The joy and elation of Gollum’s face when he’s finally reunited with his precious, followed by the sudden shock that he’s a split second from death, form a perfect ending for such a tragic figure. (Okay, so the only video I could find of this scene is set to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire.” Apologies/”You’re Welcome”s)

9. Boromir Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking… well, for awhile

Boromir’s death scene was quite epic. Not many dudes can take that many arrows to the torso and keep fighting. It made me respect just that little bit more.

8. Pippin’s Lament for Faramir (and all those nameless soldiers we don’t care about riding into Osgiliath)

Peregrin “Pippin” Took: great comic relief, but not the guy you want on your side in battle. Good thing he’s got the voice of an angel because nothing says “dude, we’re gonna die” like an American Idol-worthy hobbit singing a teary ballad as you depart. It’s almost like he doomed them, isn’t it?

7. The Opening Battle Scene

All kinds of epic. From the vast armies sweeping over the hills to Elrond’s terse battle calls, the opening scene of the trilogy really made you sit up and go “Holy F- -K!” How they were able to top that is anyone’s guess. (This video is set to the Benny Hill music. Again, apologies/thanks)

6. Gandalf Performs the Facelift of a Lifetime

As Gandalf casts the spell of Saruman off of Theoden, the special effects are seamless: we see Theoden perfectly transition back from the Cryptkeeper to Bernard Hill. With the clever cut to Saruman slamming back to the floor in his little lair in Orthanc, the scene is brilliantly magical, without puffs of smoke and bolts of lightning.

5. Haldir’s Death… weepies.

What is it that’s so awesome about Haldir? We don’t really see him all that often, yet your heart breaks when you see him taken down during the battle at Helm’s Deep. *tear* (What is it with the elves, that all I can find on Youtube are tribute videos?)

4. Gollum’s Conversation With, er… himself?

The clever camera work here is what really makes this scene. The two sides of Gollum – Gollum/Smeagol – are perfectly characterized and this really underlines what a fantastic achievement Gollum was from a filmmaking perspective. You never feel you’re watching CGI.

3. Theoden’s Heart-Stirring Pre-Battle Morale Boost

You’d have to be a corpse not to be moved by this speech. And a pretty dead one, too. Not a freshly dead one. Here we see a king who truly realizes that everything is on the line here. You get a feeling that he’s aware of the fact that this is his last day on earth. Love the clanging of his swords against all their spears, too. Nice touch.

2. “I am no man!” Eowyn FTW

This scene is proof that Eowyn is the most badass character in LOTR. With the exception of Sauron, The Witch King of Angmar is the biggest baddie of them all. And, since no one actually kills Sauron in hand-to-hand combat (and it took an ENTIRE ARMY and a bunch of hobbits to bring him down), the fact that Eowyn makes the Witch King her bitch like you wouldn’t believe makes her pretty badass. I always keep expecting the Witch King to shriek: “I’m melting! I’m melting!” as well.

1. The Lighting of the Beacons

The stirring music! The swooping across the mountain tops! The call for help from one kingdom to another! The knowledge that yes, Rohan will answer! Yes, men will unite! Evil will be vanquished! And some poor Rohan employee – whose ENTIRE JOB is to notice when the beacon is lit – has his thunder stolen by Aragorn, the damn king of men. What a jerk.

My Top Ten: Antiheroes

Ever since Satan in Milton’s Paradise Lost, there’s always been a certain je ne sais quoi about a well-wrought antihero. Whether cheeky rogue or bloodthirsty tyrant, an antihero is a welcome deviation from the white-hatted norm. At once both appalling and subversive, a good bad guy / bad good guy always proves a more interesting character than the morally unambiguous square-jawed hero. There’s something relatable in their flaws, something endlessly intriguing in their motivations; unique in each of their psyches that layers their story, that gives extra weight to their performance. We can learn their lessons or appreciate their many dimensions.

There are a few different antihero tropes, but they all seem to relate to the interplay between humanity and corruption: the good-at-heart but stuck in a corrupt world; the good-once-upon-a-time but corrupted through greed or a quest for power; the satirical embodiment of a corrupt or malicious aspect of humanity. There is something in us that identifies with the antihero: with the feeling of trying to be a good person in a bad world. Is there some level of wish fulfillment as we watch them buck the system and stick it to the man? Is there some tragic identification as we watch them fail? Is there some horrified, looking-at-a-car-crash reaction to seeing the most base elements of our society personified? Really, the protagonist is the person in whose shoes we place ourselves. There’s something deeper and more satisfying about walking in the shoes of an antihero.

The more time passes, exact definition of “antihero” seems to widen, casting a larger and larger net of what we deem antithetical to the traditional hero. Perhaps that’s just postmodernism taking its toll. From the narrowest sense of the aforementioned Prince of Darkness, we’re at the point where even a character like Arthur “all I want is a cup of tea” Dent (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) could be considered an antihero. I guess it’s all in how you look at it. With that in mind, I’ve tried to limit this list to characters that are leading roles (or close to), and who seem to fit the more traditional sense of the title “Antihero.” Regardless of why we love the bad good guys, we can’t deny that we do. I mean, who do you like better, Luke Skywalker or Han Solo? Han Solo, of course, unless you’re under the age of eleven. Perhaps this proves something about developmental psychology, but let’s just leave it at that.

(WARNING: SOME SPOILERS)

10. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp)
Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy (2003, 2006, 2007)

Not the traditional leading hero, (that honour would go to Orlando “Legolas” Bloom) Captain Jack is indeed the heart and soul of the Pirates movies, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone who disagrees with you. Why else would Disney being flogging this dead horse with On Stranger Tides? Jack Sparrow, for all his debauchery, law-breaking, womanizing, drunkenness, and moral grey areas, is one of popular cinemas most endearing and lovable characters. Ever. His own crew can’t even be sure whether or not he is in fact a “good man” but they still sail to the afterlife to rescue him. And you can see him not once, but three whole times on the original ride at Disneyland. Rest assured, you have heard of him.

9. The Narrator/Tyler Durden (Edward Norton/Brad Pitt)
Fight Club (1999)

If you think these are two characters, you clearly didn’t watch the movie hard enough. In the relationship/conflict between the Narrator and Tyler Durden, we see the wonderful dichotomy between “good” guy and “bad” guy that exists in every antihero played out in the most literal sense. In the anarchy and violence espoused by Tyler Durden we see a dangerous violence void of humanity – made frightening by an extreme lack of regard for other people and no concern for the consequences. He is balanced by the Narrator, who questions Durden; who cannot escape his own morality despite his disillusionment with the world around him. The cognitive dissonance between the two personifications of this character pulls us in but frightens us: you identify with his disillusionment but fear his instability. At what point does a freedom fighter become a terrorist?

8. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale)
American Psycho (2000)

An antihero in the most Miltonic sense, Bateman is an actual serial killer – but not even a killer with a misguided sense of morality like, say, Dexter Morgan. Bateman is remorseless and chilling. What makes a character like Patrick Bateman resonate so well, and prove so cultish, is the pure essence of everything he personifies. With the wonderful hindsight we now enjoy, what self-respecting individual these days is not repulsed by the ego-driven, Reagonomics, “greed is good” ethos of the 1980s? The antihero of Brett Easton Ellis’s novel (and Mary Harron’s film) should satisfy conservatives and liberals alike as he literally takes a sharp knife to everything yuppie.

7. Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh)
Gone With the Wind (1939)

Scarlett O’Hara has stood out for seventy years as one of the most interesting characters – female or not – Hollywood has ever produced. Charming, wealthy, resourceful but rich, spoiled, selfish and vain, Scarlett may have her family’s best interests at heart, but still she steals her sister’s man, and steps on many others in her pursuit of her goals. The fact that she stands as the sole woman on this list, argues three points: 1. The lack of good female roles in Hollywood, 2. Very few anti-heroes are women, and thus 3. Anti-heroes are indeed the most enduring characters.

6. Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Alex is really only one step shy of Patrick Bateman in terms of treachery, and that’s only really because his body count is lower. Let’s face it, Alex is only really an antihero because he’s the protagonist, but in essence, he’s just an out-and-out villain. Robbery, rape, Beethoven – just a usual day’s galavanting. He’s frightening in the same way Bateman is: he’s a psychopath. Remorseless and cruel, he finds sheer delight in torture and he knows full well just what a horrible human being he is. But what is it that about him that people connect with? Why do you always see at least one person dressed as Alex every Halloween? How do we feel sympathy for someone like this when he is cured of his violence? Is it the irony in the forced violence of the cure? Is there something about Alex – and this kind of antihero – that possesses a kind of freedom we can never have?

5. Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro)
Taxi Driver (1976)

The tortured vigilante of Scorsese’s Palme D’Or winner presents an interesting moral dilemma, as most vigilantes not riding in a van with Mr. T tend to do. Bickle fits all the aforementioned tropes of an antihero: he feels he is trying to do good in a corrupt world; yet, he slowly becomes corrupted during his quest; and he is iconic of post-Vietnam disenchantment. His protection of a teenage prostitute is honourable…and his killing spree…? Well, that’s a little more ambiguous, isn’t it? Is it honourable because of Bickle’s rationalization of it, or is it a commentary on society that we can somehow find honour in murder?

4. Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)
The Godfather trilogy (1972, 1974, 1990)

There are very few falls from grace as iconic as Michael Corleone’s. Perhaps a very strong part of what makes The Godfather Part II such a compelling sequel (the only one ever to win the Oscar for Best Picture) is that we see Corleone fully transitioned from hero to antihero. Like the true slowly corrupted good guy, he becomes what he was so originally set against: an execution-ordering mafia don. From the kiss of death for his own brother to watching his daughter killed in front of his eyes, it’s pretty clear: crime doesn’t pay.

3. Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton)
Beetlejuice (1988)

I’ve always loved Michael Keaton. My childhood crush on Batman not withstanding, he’s always been an excellent character actor and Beetlejuice is the pinnacle of his career – there’s simply no more to it. I firmly believe that this character is the reason for Tim Burton’s career: it was the surprising success of Beetlejuice that gave Burton Batman and everything that followed. Beetlejuice is a little like Jack Sparrow, only you’re pretty sure he’s a bad dude. He frequents brothels, tries to marry an underage girl, and is generally tricksy and mischievous… and charming as hell, despite the creepy teeth. Say his name three times. Go on, I dare you.

2. Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis)
There Will Be Blood (2007)

It’s going to be interesting to see how time handles Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic. Its literary quality far outstrips its potential for a cult following, but every character Daniel Day-Lewis touches proves iconic. Daniel Plainview is the essence of There Will Be Blood, and any lesser actor could not have brought the required charm, sensibility, or deep-seeded cold-hearted ambition together in a way that was anything but a retread of the classic ambition-leads-to-downfall story arch. Anderson and Day-Lewis create a character that so fantastically blends together a million different themes and methods that, rather than being hit over the head with moralising, you get a pure, instinctive sense of the many things a man like Plainview makes you feel: fear, disgust – yet acceptance. An antihero par excellance, Daniel Plainview works on so many levels. He is far more charming than Michael Corleone or Patrick Bateman, but it’s this charm that makes you simultaneously admire and despise him. You want to trust him so badly, but have that strange nagging that you shouldn’t. He is so wonderfully realized but we’re never entirely sure what makes him tick or why.

1. Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles)
Citizen Kane (1941)

Not only did Welles’s masterpiece change the face of film for every other reason in the book, but it also presented us with one of the first truly great antiheroes. Modelled not-so-subtly on William Randolph Hearst, Citizen Kane follows the life of Charles Foster Kane from financially lacking child to billionaire a- -hole. We see his career pass from strident idealism to selfish greed; moving from kindness and compassion to cruelty and loneliness. His dying word of “Rosebud” frames the story, as we seek to understand its meaning over the course of his life. Kane’s professional ascent mirrors his personal descent, as we learn the golden truth: his dying thought was one of nostalgia and regret for his youth, as simple, loving, and poverty-stricken as it was. Titling his film “citizen” Kane, Welles seems to strike at that deepest chord of the antihero: it could be any one of us.

Honourable mentions: Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca, 1942), Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry series, 1971, 1973, 1976, 1983, 1988), Han Solo (Harrison Ford, Star Wars trilogy, 1977, 1980, 1983)