HBO’s Game of Thrones Irreverent Recap: Ep. 109 “Baelor”

aka Holy crap, has Sean Bean ever survived to the end?

This was the episode that make my mum go “If you had told me it was going to end that way, I never would have started watching!”  Well, Mum, I counter with the words of Dr. Roommate: “Come for Sean Bean, stay for the stories.” As I’m wracking my brain in search of a Sean Bean role in which he actually survives, let’s survey the episode that brought about the timely demise of Ned Stark.

Shit. Fan. Crap. Everywhere.

The Lannisters and the Starks stand on the brink of war. *cue war drums trembling in the hills*

Without whipping out an elegant map and plotting these Napoleonic manoeuvres under the charismatic venue of a field tent, in a nutshell there are basically two Lannister fronts, one led by Tywin ”I’m so badass I might as well eat babies for breakfast” Lannister, the other led by his son, Jaime “I cuckholded the King even though the Queen is my own twin sister” Lannister.

Robb “Hawt” Stark, eldest legit son of the imprisoned-for-treason Ned “I’m too honourable for my own damn good” Stark, leads an army against them.

WHICH LANNISTER WILL HE ATTACK? WILL HE VALIANTLY RESCUE HIS FATHER? WILL HIS SANSA’S SWEET PLEA FOR HER FATHER’S LIFE MEAN ANYTHING TO THE INBRED KING JOFFREY? WILL WE ALL WEEP SWEET TEARS?

Remember how in an earlier episode Theon bragged about being a good archer? Yeah, well, he is.

Yes, it sounds rather typical of fairy tale fantasy, but no, it’s so much more. Dammit, this is HBO. It’s not going to end well.

Let’s see how this all pans out.

But first, let’s start with The Wall…

Jon’s story, as ever, follows the heart-warming pitfalls and delights of your average coming-of-age story. With Obi Wan #1 (Jeor Mormont), Jon gets a new prezzie: a sword. The Old Bear gives us some handy exposition about how his own son buggered off shamefully* and he wants Jon to have this in his place.  Nothing says Replacement Father Figure like bequeathing a priceless family heirloom.

To be a little more cynical, I think Jeor’s also realized that Jon might prove more useful as a bodyguard than as the handmaiden/bed pan changer he has been so far. At this point, giving Jon a sword is a like resorting to a Doberman after your burglar alarm failed.

Also, cherry on the sundae: Resident Asshole, Alliser Thorne, has been sent to King Joffrey with the dead zombie hand…. as a warning/threat/or something.

Here, have a sword. But use it to save me first, then yourself, m'kay?

It’s a sweet moment, but ruined by yet another test of Jon’s impulsive, honourable nature. When he finds out that his brother Robb is riding south to fight the Lannisters for their father’s freedom (Oh Robb, how your manly heroics make my girly parts swoon), naturally he wants to join him.

It take Captain Obvious/Obi Wan #2/Maester Aemon to point out that, Hey, dude, you took a vow, remember? Does Jon really keep forgetting that? Such a heartbreaker you would make, Jon, such a heartbreaker.

And just when we think that Jon has matured past his “no one understands how I feel” emo mopes, Aemon totally and utterly puts him in his place. This scene is definitely a stand-out amongst an episode already fulled to the brim with sparkling scenes.

In short, Jon needs to shut the fuck up with his emo mopes because Aemon has had it a helluva lot worse.

Even shorter: His whole family was slaughtered and usurped.

Yet even shorter: he’s Aemon Targaryen.

Mind fuck.

The night before…

Learning that they are basically being turned into cannon fodder by Daddy Dearest, Tyrion and Bronn’s friendship escalates into Woody and Buzz territory when Bronn hires a prostitute for Tyrion. The things a guy does for a buddy, eh?

She turns out to be Shae. An enigmatic whore if ever I saw one. She literally charms the pants off Tyrion, and then somehow Bronn is back. (I think we were missing an interesting deleted scene there.)

After a rousing and entertaining game of I Never, we finally get Tyrion’s backstory. It’s a sad story and a nice segueway to more sex.

Poor Bronn. I think he had different expectations for the evening. But I guess he should have expected a little third wheel action when he hired a prozzie for your friend/boss/love interest. Live and learn, Bronn, live and learn.

"Well, this didn't go EXACTLY as I had hoped..."

The morning after.

Before I launch into this, please just let me geek out a little about the great look Tyrion gives Bronn when he tell him to “keep low.” *geeks out a little*

Okay. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the battle. As it turns out, the Hill Tribes, aka Other Barbarian Stereotype, fulfills their archetypal promise by kicking some major ass.

Tyrion sleeps through the whole thing, and who is there when he awakes? Bronn. Awww.

As it turns out, the victory was only achieved because Robb Stark only sent a tenth of his troops into battle. The scout told falsehoods… because Robb is fucking smart. And Tywin is looking rather dumb.

No one will bother reading this caption anyway. I mean... LOOK at him.

But not so dumb as… 

Jaime, the new hostage of the Starks.  Yes, Robb sent one tenth of his troops towards Tywin Lannister, who was expecting the whole bloody army. The rest of his troops marched  towards Jaime, who was not expecting shit all.

Yup, 2000 men sent to their deaths, but at least Robb feels a little bad about it. 2000 cannon-fodder nobodies are totally worth one Sean Bean. Totally. It is war, after all.

Still really hot. Perhaps... even... hotter?

How did Robb achieve such a fantastic coup? Only with the help of Argus Filch Walder Frey. I am happy about this because I was thinking that was just what this show was missing: a creepy old man.

Kidding. There’s plenty of them.

And what a creepy old man. From his fifteen-year-old wife to his amassing hordes of children, Walder Frey is not so much Lord of the Twins but rather King of a Trailer Park. He’s a Jerry Springer episode all in himself.

But he promises to let Robb’s army cross the river for only the small price of a couple of well-arranged marriages, namely Arya’s and Robb’s.

Really, Catelyn? This is worth Ned’s life? Gambling away your children’s lives? Oh jeez, you Starks.

What a cloudy gene pool this part of Westeros must have.

Speaking of the Starks and their gambling away of lives…

Varys, Varys, Varys. Just when we think you’ve given us a clue about your motivations, we realize it’s not a clue, but an even bigger riddle.

He does give Ned good advice, which is to just confess, get all the nastiness over with, and at least you’ll have your life. Ned goes on yet another diatribe about honour, to which Varys retorts, Dude, what about your daughters?

Oh yeah, replies Ned, I forgot about them and the precarious position I’ve left them in.

So he confesses to treason. For once, he does the smart thing, the (under these circumstances) “right” thing.

An actor, you say?

But he dies anyway.

This isn’t even what Cersei wanted. Cersei is a bitch, but she’s not dumb; she knows Ned is more valuable alive. But Joffrey is a spoiled brat and is proving himself a ruthless king. Fuck with me and I’ll fuck you up, he lets the common people know.

I guess this shows that Cersei’s blind spot is her children, after all. I wonder how she’s going to react when she finds out Robb and Catelyn have Jaime? Hm. Not well, me thinks.

Even if he who passed the sentence didn't swing the sword, you still die.

At least Arya is safe

We assume. The newfound beggar child Arya proves herself quite adept at killing things, like peasant boys and pigeons. She is free from the clutches of the Queen, but is running amok in the streets of King’s Landing.

At least Yoren has found her. He seems like kind of a stand-up dude. But he was friends with Tyrion, so that might throw a wrench in his loyalties. Can he be easily bought, or is it the Wall for Arya, too?

I smell hijinks in your future.

(And a little FYI, because I know you care so much… Arya is my Dad’s favourite character. He also likes Tyrion. Mom likes Jon and Ned.** They both hate Joffrey with a fervour that can only be described as religious.)

But wait, aren’t witches *always* evil?

Things are not looking good for Khal Drogo. In these days before band-aids and antiseptic towelettes, you’d think he would have thought a bit harder about the possibility of infection before he pressed his manly chests against another dude’s manly blade. All so manly. Manly, manly, manly.

And stupid.

Does this look infected?

There is further evidence that Daenerys is letting her power go to her head when she insists on staying with Drogo as he dies, even though Jorah insists they best get the fuck outta Dodge as soon as bloody possible.

No! screams Dany, whose pregnancy hormones run the risk of turning her into a terrible stereotype of the hysterical woman. She summons the witch, who wants to perform “blood” (read: “Evil”) magic to save Drogo’s life. Dany agrees.

Um, what? Is her love for Drogo blinding her logic? Dammit, this is exactly why Jedis were never allowed to love.

And then she goes into premature labour, so Jorah carries her into the Tent of Mysteries.

Not going to end well. Not. At. All.

Oh, the familiar and well-worn hysterical woman trope. Ugh.

Speaking of Jorah, between the state of undress, and the sexy armour, and the wise glances, and the complete pwning of a Dothraki warrior… I… I just… I can’t even. Please, just let me be alone for a moment.

But one more thing…

Are we ever going to see this much-discussed Stannis Baratheon?

And when the hell is Renly coming back? I still miss Renly.

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Wang Count: None. But yet another pair of prostitute boobs. Dammit, HBO, always a step ahead of me.

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*I’m still waiting for non-book-reading viewers to actually grasp the fact that he’s referring to Jorah, that sweet, sexy knight who is off gallivanting across the Narrow Sea. I think it goes over most heads.

**So typical.

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UPDATE: (3.44pm June 13) I forgot to mention how The Twins was included in the map of the opening credits. Quoth my sister’s boyfriend: “The map changes?”