HBO’s Game of Thrones Irreverent Recap: Ep. 107 “You Win or You Die”

aka “Curse Your Sudden-But-Inevitable Betrayal”

Littlefinger is right Ned. He did warn you. Seriously. It’s like Petyr’s playing poker with his cards face-up and yet Ned still manages to lose.

The climax of the season is settling into place: the king is dead and now the game of succession can truly begin.

 

On one hand, it’s the fruition of various slowburning plots; on the other hand, it’s a mad scramble best likened to Hungry Hungry Hippos. Despite missing out on the ongoing history of several important characters (namely Tyrion and Arya and Bran, and oh yeah, Catelyn and that creepy cult at the Eyrie), we’re focused on the throne room of King’s Landing, both figuratively and literally.

Also, Jon’s back again (yay!)… emo mopes firmly intact.

This recap would have been up yesterday but I’m currently in the process of turning my house into a polyamorous* hippie commune**. But that’s beside the point.

Away to Westeros!

Hey, Look! The Bad Guy from Last Action Hero!

In the most subtle of metaphors since the three-eyed crow, Tywin Lannister appears for the first time, butchering a stag while simultaneously cutting down the fragile emotional state of his eldest son, Jaime.

In case you forgot, the Stag = House Baratheon. Remember the first episode, when the direwolf and stag managed to kill each other?

Well, Lions trump all species, apparently. This theme has proven itself time and time again, reinforced each generation by such pop culture mainstays as Disney and Harry Potter.

So who does that make Hufflepuff?

I’ve still yet to decide whether I find this stag-butchering to be too heavy-handed or not. I appreciate the brutality it gives to Tywin, but it might seem a little much.

Also, I’m not sure if I buy the idea that he would bother butchering his own kill. That’s something Ned would do… not a Lannister. Lannisters pay people to do that stuff for them, right?

Nothing says "villainy" like a Red. Fucking. Eye.

But yes. One effective scene with Tywin and we suddenly understand his children a hell of a lot better. Jaime and Cersei look like sweet little muffincakes in comparison.

Jaime has also changed from his usual angelic white-and-pale-gold ensemble into an appropriately devilish black and red. I approve.

Gotta love how the Lannister motif makes for mood-appropriate set design.

Just like nothing suggests "badass" like a black and red colour scheme.

 More exposition masked by nudity!  

Apparently, Petyr ”Littlefinger” Baelish hoisted some good exposition upon the audience under the guise of instructing his whores (including Ros the Pros) how to manipulate people’s emotions. Some claim that this might have ruined the big ole reveal regarding Littlefinger’s betrayal of Ned, but I completely missed everything that he was saying. Yup. I’m a straight chick and I was too distracted to listen to a damned word he was saying. 

*smirk*

I also couldn’t help but think why in god’s name would he tell this to two prostitutes, especially one he must know has ties to the North? Hm.

 

Also… there is way too much Ros in this show for her not to mean anything. I read a theory that she is one of Varys’s “little birds.” I like.

Or, you never know, she might lead a brothel whore rebellion or something... that would be fun.

Speaking of Rebellions… 

Theon is kinda like that little kid in elementary school who was part of your rag-tag gang just because he happened to live on your block, even if no one really liked him.  Poor misunderstood Theon. (Not really.) Which came first, I wonder, people being mean to him or him being a dick? When even the Maester is cutting you down… man! No wonder he’s angry with the world; it’s kind of a vicious circle. Now there isn’t even anyone around he can pay to be his friend. 

Prisoner or guest? PRISONER OR GUEST?!

No wonder he’s reaching out to Tonks in his own lack-of-social-skills way.

 

I’m still uber-curious as to why Theon is getting so much screen time. Where is Robb? Where are you going with this, HBO? WHERE?!

 

 Renly is kind of my favourite.

From the moment he appears in black leather, even if covered in blood… *sigh* I have nothing else to add other than he would make a damn fine king. Damn fine. 

Ned really should have listened to Renly… or anyone for that matter…. 

I would say that Ned really dropped the ball, but I don’t think he ever really kept it up in the air. Talk about leader of the Red Shirts. I feel like the Winterfell guard should just be called “cannon fodder.” How, I wonder, do his ethics handle the question of a bribed army? Hm. Ned does, however, show his only ounce of intelligence yet when he takes liberties in the transcription of Robert’s dying words. So that’s where you draw the line, Ned? There? Really? Too little, too late. 

Now I want to see Jaime in baby blue.

 As Ned confronts Cersei, I couldn’t help but think, “Whoa, not really the one for discretion, are you?” Also, I feel like Cersei won this round. As Ned called out her infidelity, she basically told him, ”What are you gonna do about it, tough guy?” She pulled a Dirty Harry and Ned definitely does not feel lucky, punk.

And none of the "little birds" caught any of this? Really?

 Killed by a Pig… 

You knew Robert was not long for this world. You just had to know that. How can there be a game for the throne if there is still a king? Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long. So he dies, blissfully unaware of the shitstorm he’s just unleashed on Westeros. The lesson here: don’t go hunting drunk (insert Dick Cheney joke). 

Fire! (Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea…) 

Apparently fire cannot kill the dragon but you can still get an awesome tan. This episode isn’t really about Daenerys as much as it is about Jorah. And, to a lesser degree, Conan Ronan Drogo. 

"I used to be home-schooled."

So Jorah saves Dany’s life. We are led to believe that he chose her over being able to return home (which, if you cast your memory back a few episodes, he wants more than anything).

But… was Varys lying when he said to Ned that “the Targaryen girl” was probably dead already? Did he tell Jorah to make it look like he saved her life?

I will repeat last week’s ponderings as to Illyrio (and his co-conspirator, Varys’s) endgame…. Hm.

Everything sounds better in a Jorah Mormont voice... Try it. End every sentence with "... from Bear Island."

Kudos to Jason Momoa for swinging like a frickin’ pendulum between sweet and savage, all the while convincing, and all the while in another language.

 

But not so fast. Just when you think that the Dothraki culture might be layering up a little, it degenerates back into a barbarian stereotype.

OOoooh. Fire.

And you can tell by the look on Dany’s face that she’s not so stoked on ruling a firebombed wasteland.  

Ice: (Oh yeah, the Wall.)  

Jon is now officially a Man of the Night’s Watch. But he had to act like a spoiled kid first. *Emo mope, not-a-Ranger, emo mope* Is he about to get another lesson in humility/Marxist brotherhood crap? No… he’s being groomed for command (which includes bedpans, I think.) Or is Jorah’s Old Man just trying to keep Jon under his thumb…? Hm. 

 

Prisoner or guest? PRISONER OR GUEST?!

 

 But he “takes the Black,” which is really quite a lovely oath. With its splendidly idealistic poetry, you kinda forget what he’s giving up. Oh, and then, Benjen’s horse shows up…. sans Benjen. And Ghost (yay, a direwolf!) brings back a hand. A hand.

"Sweet! Another body part for my collection!"

That’s all I have to say about that.

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Nipple Count: Too many. I’ll get back to you on that one._____*Not true.**True.

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UPDATE: June 1: I added the Gryffindor/Lannister picture because… well, why the hell not?