aka “This Shit Just Got Real”
This episode functions as a lesson in metonymy. When you ask for a “crown” from someone who doesn’t speak your language, you might want to be clear on the distinction between “literal” and “figurative.” Just sayin’.
This recap is a little late because of the May long weekend, so apologies. Not a good excuse, but still an excuse, so there you have it. The lengthier gestation period has given me a little more time for thoughts to coalesce. This may or may not be a bad thing.
This is what I looked like that time I got into my mom's lipstick when I was a toddler.
While Viserys gets his literal crown of molten gold, Ned gets the figurative crown by way of a shitload of responsibility. The power does go a little to his head and he makes some noble yet terrible, terrible decisions.
It’s like someone turned on the electric fan while the rest of us ready the cowpies in our hands…
Tyrion outsmarts another whacko or two
Released from his Sky Cell by slyly manipulating a guard that looks like he was dragged headfirst through the idiot tree, Tyrion Lannister is brought before Crazy Banshee Lysa to plead his case.
"Time to take the Meat Loaf out of the freezer-- wait, wrong show?"
This is where he takes a page out of The Goonies and pulls a Chunk, confessing every minor sin and perversion he’s committed over the years. This does not bode well amongst people who have so short an attention span that they randomly throw people out of holes in the floor just to break the monotany.
I’m not sure what it is, but something about the Eyrie makes me think it’s the place Dr. Frank ‘N’ Furter’s castle flies off to at the end of Rocky Horror.
Tyrion Lannister: Smart smart smart smart smart!
Bronn - aka that shifty looking guy who seems to have taken a shine to “the Imp” – steps up as Tyrion’s “champion” to basically decide his guilt in a death match. There’s a hit reality show somewhere in there.
As Bronn wins Tyrion’s freedom basically by fighting dishonourably, we get another layer added to that whole “honour means nothing in the real world” theme that seems to pervade the show so far. I’ll talk about this again in a bit when we get to Ned… Oh Ned.
Also, Robin might be the only child I’ve ever actually wanted to beat senseless.
Yet another example of why I will never breed.
Speaking of another whacko or two…
I mentioned a couple of posts ago that the jury was still out on whether Catelyn could be a considered a “strong female character” or not.
Once you take Batshit Crazy Lysa out of the equation, Catelyn stops looking sane. She might carry a calm, strong demeanour (combined with a strong moral ground and understandable motivation – protecting her family) but she lacks the ability to think things through and thus has ended up jeopardizing not only her family’s safety but the safety of the entire Seven Kingdoms.
Catelyn Stark: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!
Her kidnapping of Tyrion is neither wise nor is it justice. It is just vengeance. I’m convinced she must have known how “justice” was dealt out in the Eyrie, and thus realized that Tyrion would not get a fair trial.
She simply took him there as a way of going through the motions. Her child was nearly killed and she wants blood in return. I get that, really. But honestly, she has to recognize that Tyrion is intelligent and no remotely intelligent person would have sent an assassin with their own weapon, especially such a distinct dagger.
Like the archetypal “hysterical” woman, everything Catelyn does is undermined by her emotions. This is clearly clouding her rational judgment. The only reason it’s not more obvious: there are two other characters who are worse than her: Crazy-Cakes Lysa and her own husband, Sean Bean Ned Stark.
Ned Stark: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!
Yes… I’m calling Ned “hysterical”…
Ned is not cut out for politics. It reminds me of the saying that the only people fit to rule are those who would never go into politics. We are supposed to see Ned as honourable because what he has done is “right.”
Gregor Clegane has murdered and raped his way across the land, so Ned does what it “correct”: he strips him of his title and lands and calls the boss in for a meeting to discuss accountability. (Never mind that he just assumed that it was Gregor of whom the farmer dude was speaking….)
“Right,” perhaps… but not smart. Not smart at all.
I bet his fantasy of lying in bed and looking at Robert and Cersei did not play out quite like this.
Ned is acting out because Cersei has pissed him off and he’s sick to death of Robert’s lack of honour in ruling the Seven Kingdoms. Ned’s like an idealistic college kid that was just made Vice President. “Oooh, I get to sit on the throne for a weekend? Sweet, man, this is my chance to fix all the problems of the world.”
Honourable but dumb. It is never smart to declare war on your bank.
Seeing Beric Dondarrion was definitely a fangirl highlight.
That guy with the handful of cowpie is starting to wind-up…
So four guys walk into the woods…
I feel like this little “hunting trip” needs a punch line. Just after Robert has told Ned how much he loves him like a brother, we see the strained relationship between him and his actual brother, Renly. I can’t help but feel for poor Renly.
"High ho! High ho! It's off to kill shit we go!"
It’s like this is a weird high school reunion and Robert’s the old jock who slept with all the cheerleaders and married the prom queen but still isn’t happy. And Renly’s the Molly Ringwold. I don’t mean that as a dig, in fact I don’t really know what I mean by that. (Sometimes I just think everything parallels John Hughes in one way or another. I’ll stop with this train of thought before it rolls right outta the station.)
"I can't believe it. They fucking forgot my birthday!"
So maybe Syrio Forel’s not that bad after all…
He’s growing on me. And Arya is getting better with a sword.
I’m glad to see that someone is mourning Jory. He was really more of a babysitter than a swordsman wasn’t he? Didn’t it seem like Ned was always telling him to look after the kids?
And Sansa is still annoying. I don’t have anything else to add to this Disney Channel moment:
Does he secretly want to choke her? I think my mom did.
Meanwhile up North…
We don’t get to see Jon (me = emo mope).
But there are wildlings (I’m assuming?) south of the Wall. In what can only be described as Natural Selection at its finest, the pack of wildlings manages to separate Bran, the weakling, from the rest of the herd and then attacks.
Robb is sexy as he kills and fight them off, but ultimately proves himself his parent’s son by giving into what is “right,” and backing down from a potential hostage situation. Surely, just as with his parents, this would have likely ended in the deaths of him and Bran both were it not for Theon.
Still swooning....
Wait? Theon? The Sketchy Dude?
Yes, that Theon. Showing himself to likely be more like Robert the Usurper than Robb is, Theon takes down the wilding.
As him and Robb argue over what the right thing to do was, I see obvious parallels. They do manage to take Nymphadora Tonks hostage though.
I’m also wondering if, by the amount of time the show has spent with Theon over Robb (and especially over Jon as of late), where could this be going…. ? Hm.
I told you he was growing on me.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand *drumroll please* the GOLDEN CROWN!
This is how the newsreel spun it back in Westeros: “CRAZY DRAGON KING DEAD. CROWNED WITH LITERAL GOLDEN CROWN. OUCH. SISTER SAT IDLY BY, SMUG LOOK ON FACE. QUOTED AS SAYING: LIFE’S A BITCH WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE THE BLOOD OF THE DRAGON, EH?”
If Robert et al did not have a reason for killing her before, they do now. They. Do. Now.
I think I found my next Halloween costume.
Also, if the dragon eggs are so damn valuable, ie Viserys can use them to buy TWO armies, how was Illyrio able to give them to her? If he was a Targaryen loyalist all this time and had three of these priceless things, why did he persuade Viserys that the way to get an army was by way of marrying Dany off to Khal Drogo?
We already know that Illyrio was in cahoots with Varys in one way or another, but his intended endgame is still rather vague…
Tune in next week for the inevitable cowpie splatter.
____
UPDATE (MAY 25): Nipple Count: It has been pointed out that I neglected to include the nipple count in this week’s post. The reason: I lost count because I got so into teh episode. I haven’t had a chance to rewatch it yet, so I will do the tally then.
Note: Catelyn, while acting on flimsy evidence, had no way of ever getting justice, other than acting at that moment. Put the Lannisters in a place where they hold the power, and she can’t do bupkis. And the King wouldn’t be on her side…
Also, you’ve seen Tyrion. She knows him as the Imp, the one who couldn’t be bothered to even come to the feast in winterfell. To think him as twisted in mind as body is not too far a stretch.
I see what you’re saying, and I still think that Catelyn is pretty much exactly the same as Ned here: she’s valuing “justice” over the safety of her family.
This might be the only way she thinks she’ll get justice, but if she thinks this though, she has to realize that this is not going to end well, especially when her daughter is betrothed to the nephew of the man’s she’s put on trial. You’d think her venture to King’s Landing gave her an idea how dangerous it is there, even before she took Tyrion hostage.
That’s great, I never thought about Nostradamus in the OR