aka “The Episode With all the Soundbites You Heard in the Trailers”
Now that everyone seems to be where they need to be (both characters and audience), we finally have the overwhelming feeling that the shit is about to hit the fan. Which, if you’ve read the books, you know it does. Over and over and over again.
Jon is on the Wall; Ned is in King’s Landing; Daenaerys has tamed her wild beast-hubby. It kind of feels like you’re getting yourself ready to play an epic game of RISK but only now have just finished setting up all your pieces.
Don't f**k with Mr. Zero.
And let the game begin…
All and all, you’re just another…
While Jon is learning a Valuable Life Lesson that it’s better to be a rich bastard than a poor anything-else, Tyrion scratches another thing off his bucket list after pissing off the top of the Wall. I am so glad they showed that. Really. Loved it. Also, I really want to see a buddy comedy starring these two, like a gritty Lethal Weapon reboot or something. Best bon-cop/bad-cop* ever.
*mope*
…brick in the Wall
Just to underline what a shit place the Wall is, Uncle Benjen announces he’s buggering off to do his Ranger thing… whatever that may entail. In my mind, it is pretty much a Ye Olde COPS, with them cracking down on wildlings packing heat and dealing drugs out of the back of a Tahoe.
Benjen might as well be walking around with a little black storm cloud over his head. This cannot end well.
*mope* (runs in the family)
The S**t Gets Real
Finally, we are starting to get a little deeper into the backstory of the Mad King and all that old shit that went down way back when. We find out that not only is Jaime Lannister a sister-layer, but he’s a Kingslayer. It’s kind of his fun nickname, you know, one befitting a kid you used to play kickball with or one of the Seven Dwarves.
Not the scene you think it is.
So while the Lannisters are talking back to the king/indoctrinating their youth in their own sticky principles, Lucky Ned Stark finds his wife in a brothel with an old… erm, “friend.” She does not have good news. Not only are things pretty dodgy down south, but apparently they suck up north, too. At least now we have a Prime Suspect in the fancy dagger caper: Tyrion Lannister. A Lannister. Who’s surprised? No one? Of course. This is far too simple and that knife is far too fancy. Methinks Tyrion is being framed worse than Roger Rabbit. This cannot end well.
"To the whorehouses, Watson!"
Sansa gets a creepy doll, Arya gets a creepy guy
Actually, Syrio Florel is pretty awesome… or batshit crazy/way too OTT. He may or may not be a complete joke. I’m not sure. I am willing to suspend judgment until further notice. I feel like he may or may not be a character from a sketch comedy skit.
On a more somber note, I was quite moved by the pained expression on Ned’s face as he watches Arya train. You see the realization slowly bloom that, shit, his little girl is actually going to need to know how to wield a sword. This cannot end well.
Hello. My name is Syrio Florel. You killed my father...
Best. Bedtime Stories. Evah.
I wish I had someone as badass as Old Nan (Margaret John) to tell me terrifying stories when I was a kid. Oh wait, I did. It was called “Unsolved Mysteries” and it kept me awake every night during the second grade. But apparently Bran is a tougher kid than me.
Also, Robb is still hot.
RIP Margaret John
OMG. Littlefinger!!1!!!!1!!
So the new Hand of the King meets the King’s other advisors. They’re all pretty damn cool and I am excited to see more of them: Renly Baratheon (Gethin Anthony) and Varys the Spider (Conleth Hill). But one seems to have rocked up more Cool Points than the rest: PETYR BAELISH (Aiden Gillen)! He has a history with Ned’s wife, duelled with Ned’s brother, spend a lot of time in brothels, and you won’t really know if he’s making your life easier or way, way more difficult. This cannot end well.
Also, it’s nice to know that with Tyrion’s venture to the sausage-fest that is the Wall and Daenaerys’s newly preggo-modesty, someone is going their best to keep the nipple count up.
If this were the 1950's, he'd look like Fonzie.
Meanwhile… across the Narrow Sea
Now that she seems to be well on the right track to assimilating into the Dothraki culture, Daenaerys finds herself up the duff. Jorah is not taking this news well… and I wonder why that might be? *dun dun DUN!*
At least he has a little Dothraki buddy. I feel things will not end well for that dude.
And then there’s good old Viserys ”Who’s Laughing Now” Targaryen. Things did not work out so well for you, eh, Viserys? Maybe next time we won’t go selling our little sister to a random, violent horselord, m’kay?
This might end well.
All that horse-riding can't be Obs-Gyn recommended.
No Puppies… or Hounds
This episode is marked by the complete absense of any of the direwolves and Sandor Clegane.
I really miss the direwolves.
And Sandor Clegane.
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Nipple Count: I think… nine, maybe ten? I need to see it again. I definitely think the nipples are on the wane.
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*Who is the good cop? Who is the bad cop? Jon or Tyrion? Discuss.
Tyrion’s definitely the bad cop. All you need to remember is the Joffrey face slappin’ episode from last week. Of course, I wouldn’t says he’s fly-off-the-handle bad cop material… he doles out the punishment quite logically. He would also be really good at psychologically messing with folks. Jon would be good at getting people coffee and sympathizing with them, all the while looking at them with his smoldering gaze.
Eeee! Thomas Carcetti is Petyr! Please watch “The Wire”! It’s brills and… Aidan Gillen in the 3rd-5th seasons!
Tyrion as bad cop was definitely my knee-jerk idea, but then I thought about it… I think Jon with all his emo surliness (not to mention awesome ability to hand-down an ass-kicking) would make a better bad cop… but the quiet, unsettling sort of bad. You know, where he would terrify a guy with a glare. Whereas, Tyrion with his joking and good-time/party attitude reminds me more of a Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon… lol….