Review: Valentine’s Day (2010)

Valentine's Day: Proving that people who both hate and love Valentine's Day are crazy... ...?

So surely everyone enters Valentine’s Day with a particular question hanging in their minds: will it be as good as Love Actually? The quick answer is “No”. The slightly longer answer is “Hell, no”. (By the way, I actually love Love Actually, so please, no accusations of bitterness or cynicism.) There’s a fine line between Romance and Cheese carefully tread by each romantic comedy. Most films fall just slightly on either side of the line, but this latest from Garry Marshall is thrown so far over the Cheese side that it disappears over the horizon of cliché. With an ensemble cast composing a veritable who’s who of Hollywood romantic comedies (assuming Sandra Bullock has moved on to sandier shores), this film follows almost every convention in the book without having the charm to back it up.

Love Actually proved that a large cast and multiple, intersecting storylines can still contain developed, interesting characters, but in its reliance on stereotypes, a ticket to Valentine’s Day needs to be accompanied by a Red Bull to keep you from nodding off. Just call it cinematic Atavin.

Yes, this is what you'll feel like doing to this movie.

From two best friends who realize they might have feelings for each other (Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner) to the neurotic cynics who are won over by the alleged romance of the day (Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx), the film is simply boring. None of actors here can really be given any credit, but to be fair, they weren’t given much to work with. The exceptions are Anne Hathaway, who adds a much needed tongue-in-cheek ridiculousness to her character – a woman hiding from her new boyfriend (Topher Grace) the fact that she moonlights as a phone sex worker; and Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts, as a two people who meet on a transatlantic flight and provide the only conclusions that might be considered surprising. Their storyline is understated and surprising enough to maintain one’s interest, whereas the rest of the film falls flat.

With all due respect to Garry Marshall, his romantic comedy resume reads like the best and worst of Julia Roberts, with a slight detour into The Princess Diaries 2. With that track record, it’s hard to have high expectations for anything beyond a cut-and-paste screenplay flushed out with paint-by-numbers direction. Usually most romantic comedies such as this can rise above with endearing performances and the kind of chemistry that make you willing o put up with the inherent corniness, but it’s quite a remarkable feat that with a cast such as this, the pairings all lack that extra spark.

Children are always cute. But not as cute as that kid from Love Actually. Sorry, lil' buddy.

Even the pairing of the Taylors (Lautner and Swift), as beautiful as they both are, doesn’t stop you from checking your watch. Whether you’re a cynic or a hopeless romantic, there is not much for you here. Valentine’s Day is as cheesy and clichéd as the holiday from which it takes its name. Worse than that, it’s boring.

Considering that the peak of Marshall’s career is (in my opinion) Laverne & Shirley, the 75-year-old has created something that seems outdated here in 2010. The inclusion of a same-sex couple (granted shown without any more physical affection than a ruffling of the hair – i.e. what you do to show affection for a pet or small child), and one – count it – one mixed race couple (and NO non-white couples), is hardly in keeping with contemporary America. The two other non-white characters are a sidekick (George Lopez) and a bitchy boss (Queen Latifah). Julia Roberts is a captain in the US Army, stationed in Iraq and coming home for one day (if you get one day, you pick Valentine’s Day, really?), so that’s a mark against gender stereotyping. Sort of. Thanks, Gary Marshall, thanks, for your forward-thinking ways.