Are Television Shows the New Novel?

This is just an observation and some food for thought…

I once heard someone describe Mad Men as the television equivalent of the “Great American Novel.” The “Great American Novel,” as a descriptor, carries with it sense of formality and scope. By definition, it is… well, defining.

What does it mean, then, when something like Mad Men has a far more expansive impact on the cultural landscape than your average contemporary novel? Are we really in, as some critics might claim, a golden age of television? Or does television just reach a broader audience than literature?

Let me present Exhibit B: the recent (and somewhat surprising) popularity of HBO’s Game of Thrones. Before it was a television show, the books were considered bestsellers, but definitely not a household name. Now it seems like everyone is reading them. George R. R. Martin has said many times how the sheer scale of his fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire could not have worked as a mere feature film; it needed to be a television show. Enter HBO and now the first novel in the series has become the first season of the show. Each episode was just another chapter in an ongoing story.

The result was essentially a novel-as-television. This made me think.

Perhaps, television shows are really the novels of our era. When considering the last ten years or so,what book has captured the zeitgeist in that way the Great American Novel claims to? Has a film? No, it seems to be television shows that define our era in creative form, be it everything from Lost to Glee.  It seems that scripted television has occupied a niche in our lives that used to belong solely to books.

Each season is a novel; each episode a chapter.

We watch television differently now than we did ten years ago.

What started with television box sets on DVD has only increased with the innovations of PVR, Netflix, iTunes and all other avenues, legal or not. Before this, we watched a single episode at a time, unless we were lucky enough to catch our favourite show featured in the odd Boxing Day marathon, or were blessed with several hours a day in reruns.

Now we have access to an entire season or even series all at once. I have found with most of my friends and family, we no longer seem to have several “regular” shows we watch; we move on from one to the next, powering through an entire series at a time. We ask each other “What are you watching now?” as if it’s the same thing as “Read any good books lately?”

For instance, a few of my roommates are onto Tru Blood, while I just finished watching all of the BBC sitcom Pulling on Netflix.  Now I’m working my way through all eight episodes of New Amsterdam, watching one episode each night in bed like reading a chapter of a book before turning out the light.

But it’s not just how we watch television that has brought about this change, it is television itself. The structure of the television series, especially the hour-long drama, has become far more serialized than it was ten years ago. Call it the Lost effect, but there is far less focus on the episodic story lines and far more focus on the overarching plot.

It seems television has gone through a bit of a paradigm shift where the Simple Premise – the “these people in this situation” – is no longer enough.

The main narrative is driven by a question. Think of the closing line in the pilot of Lost: “Guys, where are we?” That question drove the entire show. Think of Mad Men‘s tagline: “Who is Don Draper?”

Granted, yes, ongoing  questions have always driven a show to some degree, usually through will-they-won’t-they sexual tension, but you were never really watching Friends in order to know whether Ross and Rachel did end up together, you watched it because it was “six attractive people living in New York.”

This way of serializing a piece of fiction – while it worked for Dickens and soap operas – also makes it more difficult to sustain the traditional habits of television viewing. It is not as easy for viewers to follow serial storytelling with a whole week between episodes. If Arrested Development had come out just a few years later, would it have found a larger audience while still on air?

Perhaps this new way of watching television and this shift in storytelling structure are linked, but in a strange, chicken-and-egg dialectic. Or perhaps they are just a parallel evolution?

I’m not too sure what this might mean in the “big picture” sense. It seems far too easy to fall into a knee-jerk anti-television response. I mean, does it not sound rather crude to suggest that television will actually replace books? Isn’t that a rather antiquarian fear?

I have no real answers. Thoughts?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two (2011)

(SPOILER-FREE, BUT YOU WILL PROBABLY HATE ME ANYWAY)

I’ve lamented before, often at great length, about the inherent difficulties that lie in attempting to review something so beloved as Harry Potter. That difficulty is only compounded when taking into account the fact that this is indeed the last film in the series. There seems to be such an outpouring of grief and/or relief over what many are calling the end of an era. As a fan, I can understand the emotions at hand here, even though the term “mourning period” seems rather ridiculous when one takes things in perspective.

Helena Bonham Carter playing Hermione playing Bellatrix = Amazing.

Is this just a sign of the times? Is this “and the heavens wept” type of reaction just another result of an arts and entertainment world that revolves around fandoms and franchises? Whatever happened, I wonder, to the one-off wonder? I remember reading many books in my childhood that I loved to death and read repeatedly, never begging for a sequel, never begging for a film version. If anything, the sequels that did exist seemed underwhelming and best left ignored. (I think most of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. Oh, how that disappointed me.) Alas, I am starting to rant now.

Inevitably, truth be told, it is a little sad. The story has come to an end… albeit rather anti-climatically for those who have already devoured the books and know how this all shakes down. How much time must pass now before we can take the entire film series as a whole? Should it been seen that way?

This is a question beyond me, but I bring it up because Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two simply cannot be taken alone. In splitting the films based on the seventh book into two, it seems logical that the two films rely entirely on each other to make sense. Where I think Part One stood well on its own (and might even take the prize as my personal favourite in the series), Part Two requires its mate for satisfactory viewing pleasure.

This is the part where they make out... Wait, what? That's NOT in the books?!

I understand. I really do. All this film encompasses is the climax. I know that. I do. Where Part One was a road movie, glistening with a slow-burning tension likened to hanging on the edge of a precipice, Part Two is straight-forward action. It is a page taken directly from Die Hard: action, blood, gore, witty one-liner; wash, rinse, repeat.  

Again: I understand. I really do. We do not need to waste time building character or tension or establishing location or any of that “boring” stuff. All the great internal struggles of the characters are already resolved, so let’s just go in for the big bad! But, quite frankly, this makes it boring. As much as we care about external black-and-white struggles, it is the internal ones that connect us emotionally to any story. Perhaps this is why I found Part One more emotionally fulfilling. By Part Two, all character motivations equate themselves to “Don’t Die.” But characters do die. Many, many characters die. Many beloved characters die.

Yet the deaths are handled in such a fast-paced way that we don’t really get a chance to wallow in the emotion of it all. It’s quite shocking, actually. Just as you realize, “oh, hey, what the hell happened?” we cut away to another chunk of action. I can imagine for someone who has not read the books, it is quite a lot of take in all at once. For someone who has read the books, it is emotionally unfulfilling. Even the rewards, such as the much-anticipated kiss (you all know which one I mean), and Mrs. Weasley’s much-heralded Best Line Ever pass by without fanfare.

This was almost enough of a reward, though, TBH.

A perfect example of how well these all-important plot points could be handled is the grand reveal of Snape’s true nature. Without giving any spoilers, all I will say is perhaps this just showcases what a fantastic actor Alan Rickman is. In even a simple quiver of his lip, the man conveys everything Snape is feeling. The emotions spring forth from a tiny wrinkle in his brow like gold cups multiplying over and over again in Gringott’s bank. It was fantastic. I cried.

I must also note the unconvincing attempt to remind us the good old days: how things were before Voldemort crashed the party, when all Harry cared about was Quidditch, when Seamus kept blowing himself up. Wow, those were good times. We get subtle jokes and nods towards these light-hearted moments of earlier films, but it does not have the full-circle effect I expected they intended. Rather, it seems a step backward when really we should be reminded just how far the series has come. Perhaps in their last chance to enter the world of Harry Potter, things were played a bit too safe. The film could stand to take a few risks.

How dare you take the last cookie?!

Now, this review makes it seem like I did not enjoy the film at all. That is a lie. I did. I loved it. Watching it on its own, however, it kind of like watching the last disc on the extended edition Return of the King DVD. You get a resolution, but it feels a little hollow out of context.

But I guess that’s to be expected. Also, don’t see it in 3-D; that only makes it more difficult to take seriously.

Please hand me my tissues now.

HBO’s Game of Thrones Irreverent Recap: Ep. 110 “Fire and Blood”

aka Now what am I gonna do until next spring?

aka Mum’s going out to buy the books

Season One flew by quickly, didn’t it? Can hardly believe this is The End. Season Two can’t come soon enough! For those of you thinking that Ned might somehow survive a beheading, well, he didn’t. Yup… Ned is definitely dead. Fo sho.

And what a way to end the season… without anything really ending. In a way, it’s like a soap opera, where nothing is ever really resolved, people only die and have lots of sex (not in that order.) But all the main characters got one last good look in for this episode, just so HBO could remind us who we’ve come to know and love before snatching them away until next April (is that right, April? Please don’t be longer.)

This being the end of Season One, this recap is a little longer and a little more subdued than normal. I’m still grieving.

Last time I played with matches, I didn't get a dragon.

So now, the last tour of Westeros for nearly a year…

Winterfell

As Osha now seems to be something of a babysitter/horse & carriage, she carries Bran down to the Stark family crypts, as he just had a dream where his father was down there. All foolish childish subconscious, Osha shrugs off. But when they get there, Little Moppet Rickon is already in the crypt, having had the same dream as Bran. As much as this seems (in a world of magic) to answer the question that Ned is definitely dead, this raises a few more ponderous ideas:

Someone's been at the hallucinogens again.

How did Bran and Rickon have the same dream? Does this have anything to do with their direwolves, as was implied several episodes ago? Is Rickon a stock creepy-child character from a horror movie?

If Ned is somehow floating around in the afterlife and capable of invading dreams, did he not have anywhere more important to be than the creepy crypt at Winterfell? Maybe give some sage battlefield advice to Robb, or console Arya or Sansa, or tell someone the secret about King Joffrey’s true lineage, or, hm, I dunno… tell Jon who his mother is?!

And, the other burning question: Who let Rickon into the crypt alone? That’s just not wise child-rearing, folks.

I'm sure Freud was pretty clear on dreams that take place in crypts.

The Wall

Jon’s storyline had got rather repetitive. It goes like this: Jon is ambivalent about life on The Wall. There are good points, ie his buddy-guys. There are bad points, ie assholes and serving people. Something happens that makes him regret being here and makes him wish he was back with his family. EMO MOPES. EMO MOPES. EMO MOPES. But he’s cute, so it’s okay. Then Sam or someone jumps in to remind him that he made a vow, dammit, and this isn’t a “no, man, trust me on this one” vow, this is a “punishable-by-death if thou forsakes me” vow. Jon realizes he needs to stay on the Wall, and that’s that for the week. And we may or may not get a chance to see Ghost.

Long Live Emo Mopes.

This week, The Test is a big one: his father has been killed. The EMO MOPES are epic and JON ACTUALLY RUNS AWAY. But again, Sam and the other buddy-guys show up and remind him of his vows. This week, they actually recite the vows to him in unison (it was really sweet), and Jon realizes that they actually risked being labelled deserters themselves coming to get him. He realizes that they are his family now. Aw. Jon has now graduated from the emotional developmental stage of a fourteen-year-old boy to a thirteen-year-old girl, which is quite a leap.

And just to make sure he doesn’t run away again… The Lord Commander Mormont is taking Jon and bunch of other dudes BEYOND. THE. WALL.

So tune in next season for those fun shenanigans.

Pyp is one of my favourites.

A Field… Somewhere… (I can’t remember where exactly. Near Riverrun?)

The news of Ned’s death reaches Robb and his troops out in the field. Proving that the women in this show are a little more emotionally mature, if not deadlier, than the men, it is Catelyn who consoles Robb and his sad, sad rage. She passes through the camp, clad in black, ever the unapproachable widow. In the forest, Robb is hacking angrily at a tree, ruining his sword. Catelyn gives him a cuddle to make him feel better, promising that once they get Sansa and Arya back, they will KILL. THEM. ALL.

I would be vengeful too if someone took Sean Bean away from me.

How will Robb and Catelyn fare next season? Other than a betrothal to an allegedly ugly Frey girl, Robb is now being heralded The King in the North. As all his bannermen start chanting “The King in the North!” you’d have to be dead or a Lannister not to get the swoon-sies.

Don't worry, Robb, I'm here for cuddles.

Catelyn goes to see their prisoner/bargaining chip, Jaime Lannister, the not-quite-Prince-Charming. He kinda hits on her, but then makes a really good point. If her gods are real and just, why do bad things happen? Yes, it’s a point so frequently countered by the “mysterious ways” argument, but Catelyn is wiser than that. She says “Because of men like you.” To which Jaime retorts “There are no men like me, only me.” It’s so good I need to quote it.

Their dialogue reminds me why I think Jaime is one of the most, if not the most interesting character. You don’t really know how deep or shallow anything goes with him. He tells her the truth straight up, waving his asshole flag loud and clear, telling her he pushed Bran from the tower. “Why?” she asked. “Because I hoped he would die.”

What motivates Jaime? He doesn’t hide who he is, but you get the inkling that he’s not really proud of any of it, either. As much as Catelyn despises him, you can’t help but feel that his honesty has done something to earn her respect. In a world of lies, deceit, and posturings, Jaime is quite refreshing. In this way, he’s more like Ned Stark than anyone else is. It’s almost as though she could see herself trusting him.

Let’s see how this plays out.

I wish he had fought Robb after all. But naked... and in Jell-O.

And in another field somewhere… near King’s Landing…? Yes, no? I don’t care anymore.

Tywin the Cruel is such a storybook baddie. Just look at him, for Chrissake! He just looks evil. Will anything ever redeem a man this hardened and… well, just plain mean?! He does give Tyrion some credit at last, telling him he’s far smarter than the “stunted fool” he always thought he was. “You’re half-right,” Tyrion quips, and you feel like this is the closest thing to a Hallmark moment the Lannisters ever get.

He is sending Tyrion to King’s Landing, to act as the Hand of the King in his stead. His one rule: his whore is not allowed to accompany him to court. Get that: No Shae in the Red Keep.

Meanness Loading... 96% Complete

But Tyrion is not going to listen to his father on that matter. In fact, he kinda likes her. She intrigues him, remember? She’s either profoundly misunderstood, or just a really, really good whore. As excited as Shae looks at the prospect of going to King’s Landing with Tyrion, you get the feeling this is not going to turn out well for him. Tyrion knows what his father’s wrath is like, especially when it comes to his son developing romantic feelings for a prozzie.

At least we can enjoy the fact that the moment his father gave him power Tyrion started working to undermine it. Season One was nothing if not a big ole Tyrion FTW.

However. WHERE THE HELL WAS BRONN? Oh, Bronn, I missed you so.

Shae is fine, but Bronn is better.

King’s Landing

We’ll start with Varys & Littlefinger. Another crackling dialogue between the two of them in the throne room. I think they secretly love each other very much.

I find them so interesting in a way that was never apparent to me reading the books: they are two sides to the same coin. From what we know of their true motivations/allegiances (if we can assume what has been said is true, which I doubt it can), they are both manipulative, deceitful, traitorous, and seemingly all-knowing.

Yet Varys claims selflessness: his only true allegiance is to the realm; he is motivated by honour in an ends-justify-the-means type of way. But then Littlefinger claims supreme selfishness: his only true allegiance is to himself; he is motivated by nothing other than his own revenge and lust, albeit also in an ends-justify-the-means type of way.

Littlefinger believes himself just: he is allowed to take up vengeance on the world for all the wrong it has done to him the past. Varys knows that he is corrupt; he knows that he is “not a hero,” but he did try to stop Joffrey from executing Ned on the Sept Baelor.

I love that the season ended their scenes with one of them together: their relationship is so complicated. You can tell it is one built on distrust but admiration; they have a mutual respect; the other is the only one who truly matches their intelligence and deceit. There was also lots of phallic subtext.

Can’t wait for more (and thank you Tumblr).

And just when you think Ros has slept with everyone… she’s with Maester Pycelle. This scene was unexpected at first, but then, as it wore on, it seemed to make perfect sense in the context of the episode. This is the future of men like Varys and Littlefinger (well, maybe not Varys having a prostitute, but, you know where I’m going with this). They are the men who live beside kings. You suddenly see their motivations a lot clearer after all this talk of killing kings and enemies. Kings don’t seem to live long, but Maester Pycelle is ancient, even if a little senile.

Also, I really want Exposition Ros (as Twitter is calling her) to write a Hollywood Madam type of tell-all memoir. I’d buy a copy.

It is official. Ros will sleep with ANYONE.

The first thing I noticed about Sansa was how perfect her hair looked, but how terrible her makeup was. It said everything about her simultaneous emotional and social states at this point in time. As Joffrey leads her to the rows of heads on spikes, he answered the lingering question from last week: Can that bastard get any worse? The answer: Yes.

As Joffrey has his guard slap her (twice!), because a King should never strike his lady, it tellingly reflects on Ned’s first episode proclamation that “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” Joffrey is the opposite of Ned Stark in every possible way. Every. Possible. Way. Except maybe he’s just as brutally honest and naive. Hm. Thoughts?

This should be in slow-motion with an 80's soundtrack and a windmachine.

As Sansa looks like she’s about to push Joffrey from the bridge, I almost screamed “DO IT!” as I’m sure everyone did. But what if she succeeded? We had a debate after the episode: did it look like Sansa was going to push him? Jump herself? Or leap valliantly in a murder-suicide?

Either way, by stopping her, Sandor was saving her life as well as Joffrey’s. He could have ratted her out, said something like “She was going to push you.” But he didn’t. She seems mentally unstable. Will she try again? Sandor’s not really being a good kingsguard here. But we all know that when the shit hits the fan, it’s Sansa he cares about, not Joffrey. At least, that’s how it’s looking.

Ship away (and thank you again, Tumblr).

Cersei apparently has a thing for blond pretty boys who share her DNA. We find her post-coital (or pre-, it’s not really clear), with Lancel, that sweet little fumbling squire of Robert’s, who may or may not have given Robert too much wine that fateful day he was killed by a boar.

Conspiracy or just someone else thinking with their penis?

Both, probably.

Lancel can hardly believe his luck.

After pulling Arya away from the sight of Ned’s execution, Yoren, the man of the Night’s Watch/a pretty stand-up guy, cuts her hair and renames her Arry. She’s to join his wagon trail up North. But he warns her, however, that all the men and boys coming along are likely to sell and/or rape her if they find out the truth of her identity.

But Arya has Needle (which seems the most likely thing that could give away her noble status, but never mind about that). Arya also has a taste for blood now. She’s killed fat boys, she tells a bully, she likes killing fat boys.

I had that haircut once. In fact, several times. It was the nineties.

But she won’t have to. Arya finds a buddy: Gendry, that blacksmith armourer’s apprentice who also happens to be the bastard son of Robert Baratheon. Is there some innate attraction between blue bloods or something? Anyway, it’s supercute.

I want to watch this coming-of-age road movie now, pls’n'thnku! (thanks, yet again, Tumblr for your fuckyeahgifs!)

Across the Narrow Sea…

And now the most intriguing story of the week, which is saying something, because it was all amazing… Daenerys’s adventures in Vaes Dothrak. First things first, Jorah is wearing the sexy man-blouse again. *swoon* Jorah, I shall miss you.

Waking up after being taking into the Tent of Mysteries, Dany finds out that she has lost her baby. Not only was the baby stillborn, but it looked like a monster. Scaled and gross… kind of like a… dragon. Hm. Perhaps this monstrosity was not the result of the witch, but Dany’s apparent dragon-blood? Maybe the witch was only responsible for the fetus’s death?

Sexiness wears a yellow blouse.

But it gets worse. Dany learns the hard way to always read the fine print. Drogo is still alive, albeit in a vegetative state. And her Khalasaar have left her. It turns out that the witch does not hold Dany up in reverence for saving her life. Her temple was burned, she had already been raped three times, everyone she knew and loved was killed by the Dothraki. “But I saved your life,” Dany pleads. The witch looks to Drogo, the evidence of what “life” is without anything else. Good point, well made.

So Dany does the dirty work herself and euthanizes Drogo (taking a page from Ned Stark, perhaps? Since this is all kind of her fault?) Hopefully she’s learned her lesson, which is not to assume you can rule a foreign culture without respecting their ways… or something like that? Margaret Mead she is not.

They are both hotter than this picture suggests.

She’s also learned that mercy means nothing, holding true to her assertion that “I do not have a gentle heart.” The living witch is strapped to Drogo’s funeral pyre, along with the three dragon eggs. “No, sell them!” argues Jorah the Pragmatist.

He’s afraid that Dany is going to commit suicide by burning herself alive with Drogo. And he’s right to be afraid. No one else has seen “the Dragon” in Dany. He still takes her for a foolish girl. Which she kind of is, if her recent judgments are anything to go on.

The next morning, to the shock of all, she rises from the ashes like a phoenix. Dany, that timid girl from the first episode is gone. Dany, the mother of dragons has arrived. Jorah and the rest of the Khalasaar left all bend the knee to her. And answered is that great question asked by all who read the books: would they actually make her bald? No. They did not. Apparently blood of the dragon = hair of the dragon, which is silver and also immune to fire in HBO world.

This is not a still from an 80's music video.

Finally some dragons?! Maybe this is a fantasy show after all!

_____

So who has the best claim to the Iron Throne?

The truth is, everyone seems to.

Robb has been proclaimed King in the North. From what we know, this itself is legit, as there were once Seven Kingdoms until the Targaryen’s conquered all. They’re just going back to the way it used to be.

Unseen Stannis Baratheon technically has the right to succeed Robert, being his elder brother. This is Ned’s choice.

Renly Baratheon would be next in line after Stannis, but according to him, Robert himself was a Usurper who took the throne under the logic that an unfit king does not deserve to rule. To him, Stannis would be a terrible king and Renly is popular/financially secure. Renly’s claim is a mix between Realpolitik, the believed will of the people, and a healthy dose of Baratheon blood.

Daenerys  is the last of the Targaryen’s, who ruled Westeros before Robert’s usurping. But then again, the Targaryen’s themselves were also conquerors. But she does have the blood of the dragon, dammit. What does that really mean, if anything?

And then there’s the one on the throne right now: Joffrey Baratheon, but a Baratheon in name only. It’s pretty clear his allegiances lie with the Lannisters. He actually has no claim whatsoever.

My uterus skipped a beat.

_____

Wang Count: Lancel’s (I think. No offense, Lancel, I didn’t really notice. This is not meant as an insult. It’s not like I looked and saw nothing worth commenting on, I just didn’t notice. Okay… I’m going to stop talking about Lancel’s wang.)

And: Pycelle’s shadow wang. That’s once see-through night dress you’ve got there, Maester.

_____

Till next time, my pretties.

Tune in below: Did Season One live up to your expectations? What worked for you, or didn’t work for you? Best/worst moments? Who is the hottest? Which king/queen would you swear your allegiance to?

HBO’s Game of Thrones Irreverent Recap: Ep. 109 “Baelor”

aka Holy crap, has Sean Bean ever survived to the end?

This was the episode that make my mum go “If you had told me it was going to end that way, I never would have started watching!”  Well, Mum, I counter with the words of Dr. Roommate: “Come for Sean Bean, stay for the stories.” As I’m wracking my brain in search of a Sean Bean role in which he actually survives, let’s survey the episode that brought about the timely demise of Ned Stark.

Shit. Fan. Crap. Everywhere.

The Lannisters and the Starks stand on the brink of war. *cue war drums trembling in the hills*

Without whipping out an elegant map and plotting these Napoleonic manoeuvres under the charismatic venue of a field tent, in a nutshell there are basically two Lannister fronts, one led by Tywin ”I’m so badass I might as well eat babies for breakfast” Lannister, the other led by his son, Jaime “I cuckholded the King even though the Queen is my own twin sister” Lannister.

Robb “Hawt” Stark, eldest legit son of the imprisoned-for-treason Ned “I’m too honourable for my own damn good” Stark, leads an army against them.

WHICH LANNISTER WILL HE ATTACK? WILL HE VALIANTLY RESCUE HIS FATHER? WILL HIS SANSA’S SWEET PLEA FOR HER FATHER’S LIFE MEAN ANYTHING TO THE INBRED KING JOFFREY? WILL WE ALL WEEP SWEET TEARS?

Remember how in an earlier episode Theon bragged about being a good archer? Yeah, well, he is.

Yes, it sounds rather typical of fairy tale fantasy, but no, it’s so much more. Dammit, this is HBO. It’s not going to end well.

Let’s see how this all pans out.

But first, let’s start with The Wall…

Jon’s story, as ever, follows the heart-warming pitfalls and delights of your average coming-of-age story. With Obi Wan #1 (Jeor Mormont), Jon gets a new prezzie: a sword. The Old Bear gives us some handy exposition about how his own son buggered off shamefully* and he wants Jon to have this in his place.  Nothing says Replacement Father Figure like bequeathing a priceless family heirloom.

To be a little more cynical, I think Jeor’s also realized that Jon might prove more useful as a bodyguard than as the handmaiden/bed pan changer he has been so far. At this point, giving Jon a sword is a like resorting to a Doberman after your burglar alarm failed.

Also, cherry on the sundae: Resident Asshole, Alliser Thorne, has been sent to King Joffrey with the dead zombie hand…. as a warning/threat/or something.

Here, have a sword. But use it to save me first, then yourself, m'kay?

It’s a sweet moment, but ruined by yet another test of Jon’s impulsive, honourable nature. When he finds out that his brother Robb is riding south to fight the Lannisters for their father’s freedom (Oh Robb, how your manly heroics make my girly parts swoon), naturally he wants to join him.

It take Captain Obvious/Obi Wan #2/Maester Aemon to point out that, Hey, dude, you took a vow, remember? Does Jon really keep forgetting that? Such a heartbreaker you would make, Jon, such a heartbreaker.

And just when we think that Jon has matured past his “no one understands how I feel” emo mopes, Aemon totally and utterly puts him in his place. This scene is definitely a stand-out amongst an episode already fulled to the brim with sparkling scenes.

In short, Jon needs to shut the fuck up with his emo mopes because Aemon has had it a helluva lot worse.

Even shorter: His whole family was slaughtered and usurped.

Yet even shorter: he’s Aemon Targaryen.

Mind fuck.

The night before…

Learning that they are basically being turned into cannon fodder by Daddy Dearest, Tyrion and Bronn’s friendship escalates into Woody and Buzz territory when Bronn hires a prostitute for Tyrion. The things a guy does for a buddy, eh?

She turns out to be Shae. An enigmatic whore if ever I saw one. She literally charms the pants off Tyrion, and then somehow Bronn is back. (I think we were missing an interesting deleted scene there.)

After a rousing and entertaining game of I Never, we finally get Tyrion’s backstory. It’s a sad story and a nice segueway to more sex.

Poor Bronn. I think he had different expectations for the evening. But I guess he should have expected a little third wheel action when he hired a prozzie for your friend/boss/love interest. Live and learn, Bronn, live and learn.

"Well, this didn't go EXACTLY as I had hoped..."

The morning after.

Before I launch into this, please just let me geek out a little about the great look Tyrion gives Bronn when he tell him to “keep low.” *geeks out a little*

Okay. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the battle. As it turns out, the Hill Tribes, aka Other Barbarian Stereotype, fulfills their archetypal promise by kicking some major ass.

Tyrion sleeps through the whole thing, and who is there when he awakes? Bronn. Awww.

As it turns out, the victory was only achieved because Robb Stark only sent a tenth of his troops into battle. The scout told falsehoods… because Robb is fucking smart. And Tywin is looking rather dumb.

No one will bother reading this caption anyway. I mean... LOOK at him.

But not so dumb as… 

Jaime, the new hostage of the Starks.  Yes, Robb sent one tenth of his troops towards Tywin Lannister, who was expecting the whole bloody army. The rest of his troops marched  towards Jaime, who was not expecting shit all.

Yup, 2000 men sent to their deaths, but at least Robb feels a little bad about it. 2000 cannon-fodder nobodies are totally worth one Sean Bean. Totally. It is war, after all.

Still really hot. Perhaps... even... hotter?

How did Robb achieve such a fantastic coup? Only with the help of Argus Filch Walder Frey. I am happy about this because I was thinking that was just what this show was missing: a creepy old man.

Kidding. There’s plenty of them.

And what a creepy old man. From his fifteen-year-old wife to his amassing hordes of children, Walder Frey is not so much Lord of the Twins but rather King of a Trailer Park. He’s a Jerry Springer episode all in himself.

But he promises to let Robb’s army cross the river for only the small price of a couple of well-arranged marriages, namely Arya’s and Robb’s.

Really, Catelyn? This is worth Ned’s life? Gambling away your children’s lives? Oh jeez, you Starks.

What a cloudy gene pool this part of Westeros must have.

Speaking of the Starks and their gambling away of lives…

Varys, Varys, Varys. Just when we think you’ve given us a clue about your motivations, we realize it’s not a clue, but an even bigger riddle.

He does give Ned good advice, which is to just confess, get all the nastiness over with, and at least you’ll have your life. Ned goes on yet another diatribe about honour, to which Varys retorts, Dude, what about your daughters?

Oh yeah, replies Ned, I forgot about them and the precarious position I’ve left them in.

So he confesses to treason. For once, he does the smart thing, the (under these circumstances) “right” thing.

An actor, you say?

But he dies anyway.

This isn’t even what Cersei wanted. Cersei is a bitch, but she’s not dumb; she knows Ned is more valuable alive. But Joffrey is a spoiled brat and is proving himself a ruthless king. Fuck with me and I’ll fuck you up, he lets the common people know.

I guess this shows that Cersei’s blind spot is her children, after all. I wonder how she’s going to react when she finds out Robb and Catelyn have Jaime? Hm. Not well, me thinks.

Even if he who passed the sentence didn't swing the sword, you still die.

At least Arya is safe

We assume. The newfound beggar child Arya proves herself quite adept at killing things, like peasant boys and pigeons. She is free from the clutches of the Queen, but is running amok in the streets of King’s Landing.

At least Yoren has found her. He seems like kind of a stand-up dude. But he was friends with Tyrion, so that might throw a wrench in his loyalties. Can he be easily bought, or is it the Wall for Arya, too?

I smell hijinks in your future.

(And a little FYI, because I know you care so much… Arya is my Dad’s favourite character. He also likes Tyrion. Mom likes Jon and Ned.** They both hate Joffrey with a fervour that can only be described as religious.)

But wait, aren’t witches *always* evil?

Things are not looking good for Khal Drogo. In these days before band-aids and antiseptic towelettes, you’d think he would have thought a bit harder about the possibility of infection before he pressed his manly chests against another dude’s manly blade. All so manly. Manly, manly, manly.

And stupid.

Does this look infected?

There is further evidence that Daenerys is letting her power go to her head when she insists on staying with Drogo as he dies, even though Jorah insists they best get the fuck outta Dodge as soon as bloody possible.

No! screams Dany, whose pregnancy hormones run the risk of turning her into a terrible stereotype of the hysterical woman. She summons the witch, who wants to perform “blood” (read: “Evil”) magic to save Drogo’s life. Dany agrees.

Um, what? Is her love for Drogo blinding her logic? Dammit, this is exactly why Jedis were never allowed to love.

And then she goes into premature labour, so Jorah carries her into the Tent of Mysteries.

Not going to end well. Not. At. All.

Oh, the familiar and well-worn hysterical woman trope. Ugh.

Speaking of Jorah, between the state of undress, and the sexy armour, and the wise glances, and the complete pwning of a Dothraki warrior… I… I just… I can’t even. Please, just let me be alone for a moment.

But one more thing…

Are we ever going to see this much-discussed Stannis Baratheon?

And when the hell is Renly coming back? I still miss Renly.

____

Wang Count: None. But yet another pair of prostitute boobs. Dammit, HBO, always a step ahead of me.

______

*I’m still waiting for non-book-reading viewers to actually grasp the fact that he’s referring to Jorah, that sweet, sexy knight who is off gallivanting across the Narrow Sea. I think it goes over most heads.

**So typical.

______

UPDATE: (3.44pm June 13) I forgot to mention how The Twins was included in the map of the opening credits. Quoth my sister’s boyfriend: “The map changes?”

HBO’s Game of Thrones Irreverent Recap: Ep. 108 “The Pointy End”

aka What Did You Think Was Going To Happen, Ned?

Following Ned Stark’s imprisonment for treason due to Littlefinger’s Inevitable Betrayal (make sure to order your “Free Ned” t-shirts now!), the Official Royal Court Press Releases are delivered via raven across the Seven Kingdoms. The armies are now moving across the giant RISK board and alliances are formed and threatened.

Shit meet Fan.

First notch on the belt.

Oh, and the ZOMBIES are back, bitches.

Bear with me here, I’ve been battling the flu for the last few days and can’t remember much between Sunday night’s episode and the moment I sit here typing this. And there is a lot to catch up on in this action-packed episode.

Lannisters Are Go!

Just to remind us again of the value of noblechildren over household staff, a lot of people defend Sansa and Arya to the death, including Septa Mordane, who I actually may have shed a tear for. But that was mostly because I felt bad she had to deal with so much crap from Brat Sansa only to die for her.

I couldn’t help but view her as a much more depressing take on the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet. What, too literary? Apologies. Okay, she’s like Rufus from Bill & Ted. Is that better?

Nothing would please me more than this cross-over, nothing. Maybe Bill & Ted could burst into the dungeons in their phone box and free Ned.

Not Today

Unfortunately, Syrio Forel, it was today. He did it, though: he actually started a sentence with “My name is Syrio Forel…” Alas it did not end as I had hoped, but rather much, much worse.

As he so bravely fights off a bajillion Lannister swords, Arya ran, repeating to herself “Not today,” a phrase that might also be a good tagline for this episode, as Varys (reminding me strangely of Friar Tuck) utters those exact same words in a visit to the imprisoned Ned. Is this meant as a hint towards the motivations/affiliations of the mysterious Lord Varys?

Can anyone remind me if the books say how Ned finds Syrio Forel? Does Varys recommend him?

This all results in Arya finding Needle and logging her first kill, and Varys stating that the only one he truly serves is “the realm.”

Interesting developments.

I don't really have anything funny for this. This made me a sad panda.

The Official Press Release

What naturally follows a political development such as the King’s death and the Hand’s imprisonment but spinning it to the press? Cersei proves herself perfectly Machiavellian in her manipulation of poor Sansa (I actually felt sorry for her), but it was especially chilling watching how easily the rest of the council went along with it.

I bet Renly wouldn’t have put up with that shit. (I miss Renly.)

Naturally, Catelyn’s smart enough to know what’s what. Maybe she should host a satirical comedy show, like The Catelyn Report or something like that. I bet it would go over well.

As they even received the news at The Wall, it was amazing to see how quickly the charge of treason was taken for truth. No one seemed to challenge it, even if everyone who likely ever met the guy knew Ned Stark was too stupid/honourable to resort to treason.

I can imagine the instructions to her hair dresser: "Make me look... bitchier."

Meh. C’est la vie.

From Emo Mopes to Emo Rages

As sweet as it was that Jon’s first concern was for his sisters, he did seem to show a bit of Ned’s impulsive need to do what’s right, even if it’s very, very stupid. The way he leapt violently on his superior could not have ended well. What does he get for his violent emo rages?  Solitary confinement. However, in this case, it actually seems more like a reward. Maybe it did end well after all.

While I’m thinking about it, for a frozen jail full of dudes, The Wall seems to be full of drama and social woes. Kinda like Oz meets Mean Girls. So, why is Grenn still chilling with the stewards? Isn’t he a ranger? Isn’t he officially too cool for all of them now?

Mope or rage? What should I do? Mope or rage?! MOPE OR RAGE?!

Do dead bodies still smell if they’re frozen?

Not that I’ve always wondered this or anything, but it’s strange that it takes Sam to point this out. Smarter than we gave him credit for? Definitely starting to look that way.

Despite Sam’s book lernin’, it is Jon’s idea to burn the bodies, though, judging from the look on his face, that has more to do with an emo desire to just burn something. He gets his chance when the zombie/white walker breaks into the Lord Commander’s room (it was his room, right?) and Jon fights it off.

The scary thing about these zombies… they seem to be sentient and after something other than just brains.

A thoughtful zombie?

He who has the vicious killing machine has the power?

At this point, you feel like the Stark boys might be riding the coattails of their direwolves justalittlebit. Proof that might makes right, perhaps?  No different from the Lannisters and their gold. He who has the direwolf has the power? Just as Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, wins him glory in his zombie-battle, Greywind, Robb’s direwolf, teaches the Stark bannermen some muthaf***in’ respect. Or something like that.

I’ve always been intrigued by Robb, but he’s really starting to become an interesting character. Between his demeanour in dealing with fellow lords to his sweet moment with his younger brother, Bran, Robb is proving rather complex.

The big question, though, is how different is Robb from his father? Is it really mercy he shows when he releases the Lannister scout or is he simply sending the spy back with false information? Robb might just prove manipulative enough to challenge the Lannisters, who seem in grave danger of underestimating him.

I feel we might have pissed off the wrong guy.

Oh yeah, and we finally see Rickon, that little moppet who seems to know what everyone else is unwilling to admit: no one is coming back from this war.

Speaking of moppets and giants and zombies…

Is it intentional that the naked Hodor looks a lot like the zombie/white walker? I mean, it looks like he greased himself up then rolled around in talcum powder, for Chrissake. And that wang was totally necessary. Totally. Necessary. Was it meant to lighten the mood in an already darker-than-hell episode?

In case we somehow forgot that the white walkers are a threat, Tonks is here to remind us. Was anyone else really annoyed with her hair? I totally wanted to buy her a headband.

Are there seriously no other women at Winterfell that they have to give the homeless woman a sexual subtext in each of her scenes?

When Tyrion Met Bronn…

Wandering through Sherwood Forest to… somewhere… Tyrion and his new BFF, Bronn ”in-Name-and-Ability” the Mercenary, bicker as if this were the beginning of a Rom-Com. They did have quite the “meet cute” moment a few episodes back, if you caught it.  I did. (And then Bronn valiantly fought to save his life! Such a Romance trope if I ever saw one.)

Before we get what I seriously expected to be a sweet heart-to-heart around the campfire, they are interrupted by the Knights-Who-Say-Ni the Stone Crows (NOT a late 90s alt-rock band). In case you didn’t know, Tyrion always survives by flashing his pocketbooks, and does again, proving that money can buy anyone, even people who apparently get by fine without it.

Where's their minstrel now, dammit? "Robin Hood and Little John, walking through the forest..."

“You wouldn’t know him.”

At least Bronn gets to meet his prospective father-in-law. And what a father-in-law!  Tywin cares very little for Tyrion, as we all knew. (I think we see the seeds of Bronn’s deeper protective instincts towards Tyrion kicking in here.)

We learn that Jaime is doing well with his army, even if we don’t get to see it, and that Tywin has huge plans for dealing with Robb Stark.

It is Tyrion, though, more than anyone, who seems to grasp the profoundly fucked-up situation Robert’s death has left all of Westeros in. You can see it in his face. Things are not going to end well.

For the Lannisters, familial love is complicated business.

Joffrey’s Coronation… does not go as well as Viserys’s…

As Joffrey the Shit is crowned king, we see the fruits of many people’s manipulative labours: Janos Slynt, the guard who could be bought, is given knighthood and lands; Ser Barristan Selmy, the only person it has been ascertained shows any loyalty whatsoever in the entire freakin’ kingdom, is stripped of his title and position, which is given to the absentee Jaime Lannister; and the also-absentee Tywin Lannister is named Hand of the King.

It must be said, however, that Sansa standing up before the entire court and pleading (in a fairly well-reasoned argument) for her father’s life shows immense courage.  Or is she still somehow clinging desperately to her old dreams of chivalry and nobility?

I think we all know Ned is never going to confess not in a million damned years.

I guess Cersei gave her a makeover. Just like in Mean Girls.

And what did happen after Sansa ran into the Hound in the hall?

Aaaaaaaaand Dany!

The barbarian stereotype is not helped at all as we drop in medias res right into some good old-fashioned raping and pillaging. Led by a hotter-than-ever Jorah, Dany looks on in dismay as the Dothraki warriors make their sexual prizes of the Lamb People (Lamb tribe, honestly? They’re just asking to get owned.)

Dany shows that she’s not fully assimilated into Dothraki culture, but is rather more of an ethnographer trying to blend in who is suddenly confronted with an ethical compromise. I wonder, then, how Dany draws the line between falling in love with the husband who effectively bought and raped her and the long-standing cultural tradition of warriors enjoyed their spoils of war? Has the power she’s managed to acquire for herself gone to her head a little? (Maybe just a bit?)

Well, however she draws that line, she’s drawn it. And consequently, a dude gets his tongue ripped out.

Still not helping that barbarian stereotype. Seriously, what could shock the audience now?

You’ve been challenged, Khal Drogo, you’ve been challenged.

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" ... or something like that.

All in all…

War is never good. Even when filtered through a lot of random references to pop culture from my youth. Must be desperate nostalgia as my mental health slowly circles the drain. Anyway… can’t wait for Sunday!

____

Nipple Count: I feel like this should be replaced with a wang count. Honestly, though, I think over eight weeks, I’ve become desensitized to the sight of nipples and can no longer count them easily.

____

Whose Wang? Hodor’s.