aka Now what am I gonna do until next spring?
aka Mum’s going out to buy the books
Season One flew by quickly, didn’t it? Can hardly believe this is The End. Season Two can’t come soon enough! For those of you thinking that Ned might somehow survive a beheading, well, he didn’t. Yup… Ned is definitely dead. Fo sho.
And what a way to end the season… without anything really ending. In a way, it’s like a soap opera, where nothing is ever really resolved, people only die and have lots of sex (not in that order.) But all the main characters got one last good look in for this episode, just so HBO could remind us who we’ve come to know and love before snatching them away until next April (is that right, April? Please don’t be longer.)
This being the end of Season One, this recap is a little longer and a little more subdued than normal. I’m still grieving.

Last time I played with matches, I didn't get a dragon.
So now, the last tour of Westeros for nearly a year…
Winterfell
As Osha now seems to be something of a babysitter/horse & carriage, she carries Bran down to the Stark family crypts, as he just had a dream where his father was down there. All foolish childish subconscious, Osha shrugs off. But when they get there, Little Moppet Rickon is already in the crypt, having had the same dream as Bran. As much as this seems (in a world of magic) to answer the question that Ned is definitely dead, this raises a few more ponderous ideas:

Someone's been at the hallucinogens again.
How did Bran and Rickon have the same dream? Does this have anything to do with their direwolves, as was implied several episodes ago? Is Rickon a stock creepy-child character from a horror movie?
If Ned is somehow floating around in the afterlife and capable of invading dreams, did he not have anywhere more important to be than the creepy crypt at Winterfell? Maybe give some sage battlefield advice to Robb, or console Arya or Sansa, or tell someone the secret about King Joffrey’s true lineage, or, hm, I dunno… tell Jon who his mother is?!
And, the other burning question: Who let Rickon into the crypt alone? That’s just not wise child-rearing, folks.

I'm sure Freud was pretty clear on dreams that take place in crypts.
The Wall
Jon’s storyline had got rather repetitive. It goes like this: Jon is ambivalent about life on The Wall. There are good points, ie his buddy-guys. There are bad points, ie assholes and serving people. Something happens that makes him regret being here and makes him wish he was back with his family. EMO MOPES. EMO MOPES. EMO MOPES. But he’s cute, so it’s okay. Then Sam or someone jumps in to remind him that he made a vow, dammit, and this isn’t a “no, man, trust me on this one” vow, this is a “punishable-by-death if thou forsakes me” vow. Jon realizes he needs to stay on the Wall, and that’s that for the week. And we may or may not get a chance to see Ghost.

Long Live Emo Mopes.
This week, The Test is a big one: his father has been killed. The EMO MOPES are epic and JON ACTUALLY RUNS AWAY. But again, Sam and the other buddy-guys show up and remind him of his vows. This week, they actually recite the vows to him in unison (it was really sweet), and Jon realizes that they actually risked being labelled deserters themselves coming to get him. He realizes that they are his family now. Aw. Jon has now graduated from the emotional developmental stage of a fourteen-year-old boy to a thirteen-year-old girl, which is quite a leap.
And just to make sure he doesn’t run away again… The Lord Commander Mormont is taking Jon and bunch of other dudes BEYOND. THE. WALL.
So tune in next season for those fun shenanigans.

Pyp is one of my favourites.
A Field… Somewhere… (I can’t remember where exactly. Near Riverrun?)
The news of Ned’s death reaches Robb and his troops out in the field. Proving that the women in this show are a little more emotionally mature, if not deadlier, than the men, it is Catelyn who consoles Robb and his sad, sad rage. She passes through the camp, clad in black, ever the unapproachable widow. In the forest, Robb is hacking angrily at a tree, ruining his sword. Catelyn gives him a cuddle to make him feel better, promising that once they get Sansa and Arya back, they will KILL. THEM. ALL.
I would be vengeful too if someone took Sean Bean away from me.
How will Robb and Catelyn fare next season? Other than a betrothal to an allegedly ugly Frey girl, Robb is now being heralded The King in the North. As all his bannermen start chanting “The King in the North!” you’d have to be dead or a Lannister not to get the swoon-sies.

Don't worry, Robb, I'm here for cuddles.
Catelyn goes to see their prisoner/bargaining chip, Jaime Lannister, the not-quite-Prince-Charming. He kinda hits on her, but then makes a really good point. If her gods are real and just, why do bad things happen? Yes, it’s a point so frequently countered by the “mysterious ways” argument, but Catelyn is wiser than that. She says “Because of men like you.” To which Jaime retorts “There are no men like me, only me.” It’s so good I need to quote it.
Their dialogue reminds me why I think Jaime is one of the most, if not the most interesting character. You don’t really know how deep or shallow anything goes with him. He tells her the truth straight up, waving his asshole flag loud and clear, telling her he pushed Bran from the tower. “Why?” she asked. “Because I hoped he would die.”
What motivates Jaime? He doesn’t hide who he is, but you get the inkling that he’s not really proud of any of it, either. As much as Catelyn despises him, you can’t help but feel that his honesty has done something to earn her respect. In a world of lies, deceit, and posturings, Jaime is quite refreshing. In this way, he’s more like Ned Stark than anyone else is. It’s almost as though she could see herself trusting him.
Let’s see how this plays out.

I wish he had fought Robb after all. But naked... and in Jell-O.
And in another field somewhere… near King’s Landing…? Yes, no? I don’t care anymore.
Tywin the Cruel is such a storybook baddie. Just look at him, for Chrissake! He just looks evil. Will anything ever redeem a man this hardened and… well, just plain mean?! He does give Tyrion some credit at last, telling him he’s far smarter than the “stunted fool” he always thought he was. “You’re half-right,” Tyrion quips, and you feel like this is the closest thing to a Hallmark moment the Lannisters ever get.
He is sending Tyrion to King’s Landing, to act as the Hand of the King in his stead. His one rule: his whore is not allowed to accompany him to court. Get that: No Shae in the Red Keep.

Meanness Loading... 96% Complete
But Tyrion is not going to listen to his father on that matter. In fact, he kinda likes her. She intrigues him, remember? She’s either profoundly misunderstood, or just a really, really good whore. As excited as Shae looks at the prospect of going to King’s Landing with Tyrion, you get the feeling this is not going to turn out well for him. Tyrion knows what his father’s wrath is like, especially when it comes to his son developing romantic feelings for a prozzie.
At least we can enjoy the fact that the moment his father gave him power Tyrion started working to undermine it. Season One was nothing if not a big ole Tyrion FTW.
However. WHERE THE HELL WAS BRONN? Oh, Bronn, I missed you so.

Shae is fine, but Bronn is better.
King’s Landing
We’ll start with Varys & Littlefinger. Another crackling dialogue between the two of them in the throne room. I think they secretly love each other very much.
I find them so interesting in a way that was never apparent to me reading the books: they are two sides to the same coin. From what we know of their true motivations/allegiances (if we can assume what has been said is true, which I doubt it can), they are both manipulative, deceitful, traitorous, and seemingly all-knowing.
Yet Varys claims selflessness: his only true allegiance is to the realm; he is motivated by honour in an ends-justify-the-means type of way. But then Littlefinger claims supreme selfishness: his only true allegiance is to himself; he is motivated by nothing other than his own revenge and lust, albeit also in an ends-justify-the-means type of way.
Littlefinger believes himself just: he is allowed to take up vengeance on the world for all the wrong it has done to him the past. Varys knows that he is corrupt; he knows that he is “not a hero,” but he did try to stop Joffrey from executing Ned on the Sept Baelor.
I love that the season ended their scenes with one of them together: their relationship is so complicated. You can tell it is one built on distrust but admiration; they have a mutual respect; the other is the only one who truly matches their intelligence and deceit. There was also lots of phallic subtext.
Can’t wait for more (and thank you Tumblr).

And just when you think Ros has slept with everyone… she’s with Maester Pycelle. This scene was unexpected at first, but then, as it wore on, it seemed to make perfect sense in the context of the episode. This is the future of men like Varys and Littlefinger (well, maybe not Varys having a prostitute, but, you know where I’m going with this). They are the men who live beside kings. You suddenly see their motivations a lot clearer after all this talk of killing kings and enemies. Kings don’t seem to live long, but Maester Pycelle is ancient, even if a little senile.
Also, I really want Exposition Ros (as Twitter is calling her) to write a Hollywood Madam type of tell-all memoir. I’d buy a copy.

It is official. Ros will sleep with ANYONE.
The first thing I noticed about Sansa was how perfect her hair looked, but how terrible her makeup was. It said everything about her simultaneous emotional and social states at this point in time. As Joffrey leads her to the rows of heads on spikes, he answered the lingering question from last week: Can that bastard get any worse? The answer: Yes.
As Joffrey has his guard slap her (twice!), because a King should never strike his lady, it tellingly reflects on Ned’s first episode proclamation that “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” Joffrey is the opposite of Ned Stark in every possible way. Every. Possible. Way. Except maybe he’s just as brutally honest and naive. Hm. Thoughts?

This should be in slow-motion with an 80's soundtrack and a windmachine.
As Sansa looks like she’s about to push Joffrey from the bridge, I almost screamed “DO IT!” as I’m sure everyone did. But what if she succeeded? We had a debate after the episode: did it look like Sansa was going to push him? Jump herself? Or leap valliantly in a murder-suicide?
Either way, by stopping her, Sandor was saving her life as well as Joffrey’s. He could have ratted her out, said something like “She was going to push you.” But he didn’t. She seems mentally unstable. Will she try again? Sandor’s not really being a good kingsguard here. But we all know that when the shit hits the fan, it’s Sansa he cares about, not Joffrey. At least, that’s how it’s looking.
Ship away (and thank you again, Tumblr).

Cersei apparently has a thing for blond pretty boys who share her DNA. We find her post-coital (or pre-, it’s not really clear), with Lancel, that sweet little fumbling squire of Robert’s, who may or may not have given Robert too much wine that fateful day he was killed by a boar.
Conspiracy or just someone else thinking with their penis?
Both, probably.

Lancel can hardly believe his luck.
After pulling Arya away from the sight of Ned’s execution, Yoren, the man of the Night’s Watch/a pretty stand-up guy, cuts her hair and renames her Arry. She’s to join his wagon trail up North. But he warns her, however, that all the men and boys coming along are likely to sell and/or rape her if they find out the truth of her identity.
But Arya has Needle (which seems the most likely thing that could give away her noble status, but never mind about that). Arya also has a taste for blood now. She’s killed fat boys, she tells a bully, she likes killing fat boys.

I had that haircut once. In fact, several times. It was the nineties.
But she won’t have to. Arya finds a buddy: Gendry, that blacksmith armourer’s apprentice who also happens to be the bastard son of Robert Baratheon. Is there some innate attraction between blue bloods or something? Anyway, it’s supercute.
I want to watch this coming-of-age road movie now, pls’n'thnku! (thanks, yet again, Tumblr for your fuckyeahgifs!)

Across the Narrow Sea…
And now the most intriguing story of the week, which is saying something, because it was all amazing… Daenerys’s adventures in Vaes Dothrak. First things first, Jorah is wearing the sexy man-blouse again. *swoon* Jorah, I shall miss you.
Waking up after being taking into the Tent of Mysteries, Dany finds out that she has lost her baby. Not only was the baby stillborn, but it looked like a monster. Scaled and gross… kind of like a… dragon. Hm. Perhaps this monstrosity was not the result of the witch, but Dany’s apparent dragon-blood? Maybe the witch was only responsible for the fetus’s death?

Sexiness wears a yellow blouse.
But it gets worse. Dany learns the hard way to always read the fine print. Drogo is still alive, albeit in a vegetative state. And her Khalasaar have left her. It turns out that the witch does not hold Dany up in reverence for saving her life. Her temple was burned, she had already been raped three times, everyone she knew and loved was killed by the Dothraki. “But I saved your life,” Dany pleads. The witch looks to Drogo, the evidence of what “life” is without anything else. Good point, well made.
So Dany does the dirty work herself and euthanizes Drogo (taking a page from Ned Stark, perhaps? Since this is all kind of her fault?) Hopefully she’s learned her lesson, which is not to assume you can rule a foreign culture without respecting their ways… or something like that? Margaret Mead she is not.

They are both hotter than this picture suggests.
She’s also learned that mercy means nothing, holding true to her assertion that “I do not have a gentle heart.” The living witch is strapped to Drogo’s funeral pyre, along with the three dragon eggs. “No, sell them!” argues Jorah the Pragmatist.
He’s afraid that Dany is going to commit suicide by burning herself alive with Drogo. And he’s right to be afraid. No one else has seen “the Dragon” in Dany. He still takes her for a foolish girl. Which she kind of is, if her recent judgments are anything to go on.
The next morning, to the shock of all, she rises from the ashes like a phoenix. Dany, that timid girl from the first episode is gone. Dany, the mother of dragons has arrived. Jorah and the rest of the Khalasaar left all bend the knee to her. And answered is that great question asked by all who read the books: would they actually make her bald? No. They did not. Apparently blood of the dragon = hair of the dragon, which is silver and also immune to fire in HBO world.

This is not a still from an 80's music video.
Finally some dragons?! Maybe this is a fantasy show after all!
_____
So who has the best claim to the Iron Throne?
The truth is, everyone seems to.
Robb has been proclaimed King in the North. From what we know, this itself is legit, as there were once Seven Kingdoms until the Targaryen’s conquered all. They’re just going back to the way it used to be.
Unseen Stannis Baratheon technically has the right to succeed Robert, being his elder brother. This is Ned’s choice.
Renly Baratheon would be next in line after Stannis, but according to him, Robert himself was a Usurper who took the throne under the logic that an unfit king does not deserve to rule. To him, Stannis would be a terrible king and Renly is popular/financially secure. Renly’s claim is a mix between Realpolitik, the believed will of the people, and a healthy dose of Baratheon blood.
Daenerys is the last of the Targaryen’s, who ruled Westeros before Robert’s usurping. But then again, the Targaryen’s themselves were also conquerors. But she does have the blood of the dragon, dammit. What does that really mean, if anything?
And then there’s the one on the throne right now: Joffrey Baratheon, but a Baratheon in name only. It’s pretty clear his allegiances lie with the Lannisters. He actually has no claim whatsoever.

My uterus skipped a beat.
_____
Wang Count: Lancel’s (I think. No offense, Lancel, I didn’t really notice. This is not meant as an insult. It’s not like I looked and saw nothing worth commenting on, I just didn’t notice. Okay… I’m going to stop talking about Lancel’s wang.)
And: Pycelle’s shadow wang. That’s once see-through night dress you’ve got there, Maester.
_____
Till next time, my pretties.
Tune in below: Did Season One live up to your expectations? What worked for you, or didn’t work for you? Best/worst moments? Who is the hottest? Which king/queen would you swear your allegiance to?